An Insider Imagines Life at the Mario and Luigi School of Business

Whether referred to as the Spagelli School of Spaghetti, or the Bagelli School of Bagels, chances are you are probably familiar with Fordham’s Gabelli School of Business. Or maybe you are not (in which case you are probably better off). However, for those of you who are familiar with Gabelli, maybe even a Gabellian yourself, you still may stand to learn a few things from this exposé. I have undergone a covert investigation intended to uncover the true ins and outs of Fordham’s renowned business school. What I found will shock the laymen and perhaps even rattle the Gabellians.

Come to Brazil

No request is as dire as this: Please come to Brazil. For years, the citizens of Brazil have requested internet users to come visit their country. Brazil, the largest and arguably most powerful South American country, has developed an outreach program like no other in order to convince foreigners, especially musicians, to come visit the country. We, as American citizens, should oblige our Brazilian brothers and sisters and go to Brazil.

A 21st Century Modest Proposal

In addressing our porous borders, President Trump, as well as many of our political epoch’s conservative luminaries, notably Tucker Carlson, remind us that this situation is not merely an issue of integration nor of national security. Here, in the age of Amazon and the Juul, immigrants integrate faster than ever, and terrorist attacks are more likely to come from native men who cannot get laid rather than from foreigners.