by the paper
STAFF OF MILLIONS SEVERAL
We at the paper love us some Halloween. We love us some Halloween so much that to see this holiday defiled on a regular basis with shitty store bought costumes and lazily put together outfits meant only to call attention to the fun parts of our female classmates sends us into fits of extreme rage. Just kidding, we really love us some some hastily put together outfits meant to call attention to the fun parts of our female classmates, IF YA KNOW WHAT WE MEAN. But seriously, there are few things worse than a shitty costume on Halloween, so to better serve the community, the paper has comprised a comprehensive list of awesome costume ideas for this week’s festivities.
A Paper Cut
Halloween, a joyous day when the children of every village gallivant around in their cute and colorful costumes, propositioning all the towns’ people for candy in exchange for immunity from their lighthearted yet mischievous tricks. Unfortunately, this happy holiday shares a date with All Hallows Eve, an evil day when Satan’s minions erupt from the darkest pits of Hell to terrorize the living and gather souls to be used in the Thanksgiving Day stew for their master. God works in mysterious ways, and it will always be a mystery to me as to why the big man felt it necessary to schedule both of these obviously unrelated holidays on October 31st.
So, how does one prevent the cold and advancing grasp of the damned, you ask? Why it’s simple, my good man, simply pick an original costume that doesn’t totally suck ass and the ever present souls will not be able to distinguish between you and the armies of the lost. This Halloween, I’ll be dressed as a paper cut. Of course, in the spirit of authenticity, I will have to assemble some massive paper cut inducer, perhaps a long line of opened manila folders taped together and hanging off the edge of a mid-sized apartment building. After necessary safety precautions have been taken, I will then attempt to slide down the manila folder rope, thereby creating the world’s greatest paper cut.
Now, to assure that this plan is failsafe, a pit of syringes will be prepared below the manila folder rope a-la Saw II (I will add my own flair to this preparation, throwing in a couple hundred straight razors as well). Hopefully, this will provide a similar effect. Now, to complete the package I would run throughout the Belmont neighborhood knocking down peoples candy bags and ruffling their hair. Get it? Cause paper cuts are annoying! Take that, souls of the damned!
Halloween costumes should be exciting, funny, sexy and offensive. Most should have the world “Slutty” or “Sexy” or “Cheap” in the title. Like Sexy Barmaid. Slutty Cowgirl. Cheap Nun. It is with that in mind that I will be dressing as a Slutty Killdozer. For those of you that don’t know, the Killdozer was an armor-plated bulldozer used by a disgruntled Colorado man to go on a rampage of destruction in 2004. He demolished a judge’s house and the town hall, amongst other things. The National Guard tried to blow up the Killdozer three times and shot it over two-hundred times, all unsuccessfully. After the operator finally killed himself, it took authorities over twelve hours to cut into the Killdozer to get him out. So I plan on dressing as the Killdozer to approximately ½ scale, or about the size of the interior of the bar MugZ. I will make my costume out of approximately fifteen refrigerator boxes and enough spray paint to remove the entire Ozone from around the earth. I will then wander the tri-bar, drunkenly shouting Killdozer-related trivia from inside my fifteen foot cardboard cage at whoever will listen. I will be unable to actually enter any bar or party, and the costume will be incredibly heavy, but I plan on painting a blue bikini and writing Killdozer on the side in bright red letters, just to maximize the sluttiness. So if you see a giant concrete covered cardboard bulldozer with a spray painted bikini on it, randomly running into people and parked cars, you can bet I’m inside. On second thought, fuck it, I’m going as the Joker.
STAFF TEEN WOLF
Not The Joker/ Commissioner Gordon
The Dark Knight is without question the most epic superhero movie of all time, a feat accomplished by Christopher Nolan’s superb directing and, of course, Heath Ledger’s dumbfoundingly brilliant turn as the Joker. Ledger’s cackle alone outshone every other actor in the film and brought Jack Nicholson’s 1989 performance to shame. All of this is well understood, so for the love of God don’t go ruining this movie by being one of the roughly half a million assholes dressing as the Joker this Halloween. I know at least five people who have been working on a Joker impression since July and none of them are worth shit, so if you think your half-assed mannerisms and pancake make-up job are going to impress anyone, you could not be any more wrong. You can’t do this successfully, and even if you can you’ll be competing with so many failures that no one will care. So put the idea out of your mind, and dress up as Commissioner Gordon instead. Everything that Batman is, Gordon is too, and he rocks a mustache at the same time. He saves Batman’s life, takes out the Joker, and, most importantly, he’s played by Gary Oldman.
George W. Bush Dressed as a Terrorist
This October 31st, the gloves are coming off. If anyone remembers who the hell George W. Bush was come Halloween (Remember? He was the dumb ape who held power in America before the inexperienced black man, the violent old geezer, and the pundit of the inferior sex came along), I will be asked, Joe, are you dressed up as George W. Bush for Halloween? Some other observer may inquire, Joe, are you supposed to be a terrorist for Halloween? No, I will answer. Both of you, just—shhhut up. I am dressed up as George W. Bush dressing up as a terrorist. All right?
Better be, cause this jack-o-terrorist is about to light up yer front porch—Bush style. Okay, let’s do the math. George W. Bush impersonations aren’t too tough—Josh Brolin did it (kind of), Will Ferrell aced it—so that’s not a big deal. And terrorists—while they might have vibrant and dynamic personal lives, on the job as terrorists are pretty flat characters. Thus we have the final synthesis: George out of his jungle. A tepidity-inspiring Texan. Dizzy, derring-do D.C. with a turban. Now you see how easy it is going to be.
I need Bush’s hashing of a terrorist: I need a turban and bombs attached to the waist. I probably need an eastern religious text. Inadequate weaponry. I need a fucking scraggly-ass beard wig.
I’m going to have to come up with some things to say when I go trick-or-treating as Bush dressed as a terrorist. As of yet, I’ve come up with three; I can use them interchangeably, or as my temperament evolves into the night.
My three lines:
1. “Trick or treat, American man/woman/child, but I reckon you choose treat over trick—trick being my biological weapons!!”
2.“Thank you for your nuc-you-ler arms. Please come again.”
3.(Ringing doorbell, hiding under shrubbery, and jumping out at resident, wielding fake bombs attached to waist) “Allah, yer will be done!” (Faking death by explosion, then taking candy and fleeing to next residence.)
STAFF MC ROVE
While all you men are busy not being the Joker this Halloween, I’ll be busy not being Sarah Palin for Halloween. Well, I can do a mean Midwestern accent and I am pretty good at pretending to be folksy, but I want a costume that no one else will be wearing! And that is what y’alls should want too, so this Halloween my costume suggestion to everyone is to be their favorite Fordham student. I will be dressing up, for example, as Peter Mullin (FCRH 09). I will be wearing a Red Sox hat, jeans, a jersey of some sort (either a Boston sports team or one related to Brazil, where he studied abroad). I will also paint a faux beard on my face and possibly don a hair piece in an attempt to emulate his luxurious curly locks. On top of all of this, I will be yelling “Yah, I dunno” at people (his signature catch phrase) and referring to my closest friends as “that one,” or “that asshole.” So if you’re looking for an alternative to some of the costumes that will most likely be worn by every Tom, Dick, and Harry this year, or maybe you’ve just donned that slutty fill in the blank costume one too many times, then dress up as an iconic member of the Fordham community. Hey, maybe someone will even mistake you for he or she whom you are emulating and treat you as they would them and yeah I don’t really know if that would be cool or more awkward, I’ll get back to you.