by Alex Gibbons
Bronx, NY– In a tragic turn of events, the dead bodies of eighteen neglected children were recently found in a deflated moon bounce used for recreational activities during homecoming weekend at Fordham University. The children, all apparently tiny and bothersome and not particularly fond of football, were left at the inflatable moon bounce so that their alumni parents could fully enjoy the splendiferous events of homecoming Saturday. However, once a steady amount of rain began falling on the Rose Hill campus late Saturday afternoon, operators of the inflatable moon bounce were forced to shut down the attraction. As the air slowly seeped out of the uncomfortably plastic frame, and the blankets of heavy tarpaulin began to suffocate the children, the ignorantly bliss parents continued their celebrations, drinking heavily amongst an exclusive crowd at Dagger John’s, or surrounded by the Fordham student body at MugZ. When reached for comment, one of the unfortunate parents responded “what the shit are you talking about? I’m still totally fucked up right now! Tony, Tony, hit the beer bong…dude I am so wasted right now. I fucking love you guys.”
Bronx, NY – Security Officers working the desk at Fordham University’s main security compound were befuddled to receive a grainy emergency call early Saturday morning from a distressed inhabitant of the Belmont neighborhood. The caller, whose voice sounded both scared and concerned, lamented upon the folly of a “Kegs N’ Eggs” celebration at an area bar not beginning until 10:30 AM. The conversation that took place between the caller and the Fordham University security officer continued as follows:
Fordham University Security: Hello, Fordham Security, is there an emergency?
Caller: Well, it’s not an emergency, but do you know why this stupid bar doesn’t open until 10:30, because that is some pussy ass shit.
FUS: Sir, are you calling to complain about a bar not being open at 10:00 AM?
Caller: FUCK YOU! [caller hangs up]
The Security officer, disturbed from the jarring telephone conversation, used caller I.D to call back the angry man, who was later revealed to be Joe McCain, brother of Republican Presidential candidate, Senator John McCain. When reached for further comment, Joe McCain responded: “I am very sorry for the harm I have caused the campaign over this fiasco. I thought that my cell phone was on mute, and was very irritated at the overwhelming lack of ‘tang.”
Phoenix, Arizona – Upon realizing that his running mate was actually Sarah Palin and not, in fact, Joe Lieberman, Republican Presidential candidate Senator John McCain keeled over and died of a fatal heart attack late Friday afternoon. The candidate, who was apparently eating his late afternoon snack while reading an edition of The New York Times, saw a picture of himself standing next to Palin at the Republican National Convention and asked his wife, Cindy, who “that crazy woman with the beehive” was. Upon learning that the strange woman was actually his running mate, Senator McCain fell face first into his pre-chewed bowl of prune oatmeal. When asked how this would affect the Republican’s campaign, senior McCain advisor Nancy Pfotenhauer responded, “Honestly, I really can’t see this changing our campaign strategy. The general plan, from now on, is to prop John up by a podium and play some pre recorded speeches behind him. Ever see Weekend at Bernie’s? It’s basically the same idea.”