the paper’s View

Election 2008: And the paper endorses…John McCain for President!

As America struggles to get out of the rancid stink of the last eight years of failed leadership, our nation finds itself at a critical junction in history. Stuck in a quagmire in Iraq, faced with very real and potentially disastrous questions about our nation’s economy, and the new threat of Shia LaBouef’s rising star-power, it is clear that our nation cannot continue on its present course if we wish to remain the pre-eminent superpower in the world.

For us at the paper, the decision is clear. Republican candidate John McCain is clearly the candidate to destroy America once and for all. the paper believes that in the last two years of hard fought campaigning, Arizona Senator John McCain has shown just the kind of spineless, backwards, and erratic politics this nation needs in order to self-destruct completely in the next four years. As Fordham University’s leading publisher of anti-American writing, the paper is officially endorsing John McCain in 2008.

We believe that Barack Obama’s ability to run a professional and competent campaign, his steady hand, his “intellectual curiosity,” and his message of hope and change could signal disaster to doomsayers and anti-Americans everywhere. We fear that an Obama presidency could render our whiny, overtly Leftist analysis of national political news essentially meaningless. We fear that if our troops are given a sane, rational, timetable for withdrawal in Iraq, and a legitimate strategy in Afghanistan, we here at the paper could have nothing to complain about in terms of foreign affairs. We fear that an Obama Presidency could clean up our nation’s image internationally and rebuild the geo-political bridges burned by his predecessor, giving us no reason to be ashamed of our nation any more.

While we at the paper were at first skeptical about the prospect of a John McCain candidacy, citing his strong record of independent and thoughtful politics, his openness with the press, and his proven leadership on the Hill, he has since proven himself a fear-mongering, curmudgeonly, everyday politician who is not exempt from resorting to Karl Rove style politics, and has occasionally looked baffled by the words coming out of his own mouth. These are the characteristics of the kind of leader we here at the paper believe would be perfect to make sure America continues to blunder into the 21st Century.

John McCain’s longstanding support of the war in Iraq has been a ringing testament to his wrong-headedness in terms of foreign policy and has betrayed the quality of his military training at the U.S. Naval Academy. Early on in his quest for the Republican ticket, John McCain responded to a question about potential war with Iran by singing the words “Bomb Iran” to the tune of “Barbra Anne” of Beach Boys fame, indicating that he is clearly the most mentally unstable of the two. We here at the paper believe that under a McCain administration, the United States will suffer greatly under strained international relationships and even find ourselves in another, seemingly endless war or two, in either case, the paper feels that such events would supply us with a constant flow of things to talk about over soy lattes and arugula salad.

Just look at those teeth!

Furthermore, Barack Obama’s cool and sensible choice of Senator Joe Biden to be his running-mate showed a shrewd and sensible political mind at work, picking a candidate with unquestionable experience and blue collar appeal to round out a fantastic ticket. John McCain on the other hand, picked an un-vetted and grossly inexperienced candidate on some capricious and ill-advised political whim, showing just the right kind of maverick like ability to act without thinking things through.

For the paper, John McCain represents the worst tendencies of modern day politicians when it comes to issues at home and abroad, and we feel that these awful tendencies will supply this publication with the most things to complain about. It is for these reasons that the paper shamelessly endorses John McCain for President in 2008.

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