by Bill Donahue & Charles Hailer
Chicago, IL – Embattled Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama is looking to take the “funny name” issue off of the agenda of political discourse once and for all by placing an apostrophe after the “O” in his last name, and will henceforth go by the name Barry O’Bama. With this maneuver, the O’Bama campaign is looking to pick up some significant numbers in the much ballyhooed culturally myopic voting bloc, a voting bloc that might have otherwise overlooked Mr. O’Bama’s solid healthcare plan and bipartisan message because his name was “too weird.” The reaction from the highly contested Mid-West has been overwhelmingly positive as polls indicate that many voters are now more likely to believe that O’Bama is, in fact, an American.
Bronx, NY – As a solution to increasing protests from the local Belmont community about the late-night antics of Fordham University students, officials from the Jesuit institution today announced a plan that would “bring about a solution.” Under the new plan, Fordham will continue to increase its enrollment while guaranteeing less and less on-campus housing and encouraging more students to move into the local community. “Eventually,” University President and noted American theologian Joseph McShane told reporters earlier this week, “everyone in the neighborhood will just, you know, leave.” Sodexho is reportedly in talks to purchase all of the 187th street “three dollar subs” bodegas, which will subsequently be renamed “twelve dollar prison food.
Washington, DC – To address recent concerns voiced in the presidential and vice presidential debates, the US Department of the Interior today ordered all “Main Streets” across the nation to have their names changed to “Wall Street.” Government spokespeople say that the streets whose names change have officially been moved from the “We Could Not Give A Shit” category into the “Deserves $700 Billion” category, a key switch in the eyes of many economic analysts.
Fordham University – A group of male students protested outside Alumni Court South last week, angered by the frequent allusion to the pseudo-demographic “Joe Sixpack” by presidential candidates and political pundits in recent weeks. Carrying signs that bore the groups name, “Chad 30pack,” and singing the tradition protest anthem “Don’t Stop Believing” by Journey, the group’s members defiantly marched from 1:15 to 1:45, hoping to make their message heard. “We just really don’t like that these Washington fags are gonna tell us we drink sixpacks,” said the groups founder and spokesperson Chad O’Malley. “We drink fucking 30s, bro.” The statement was immediately followed by several beer bongs and a drunken orgy.