by Charles Hailer & Bill Donahue
FORDHAM UNIVERSITY – Following the Federal Reserve’s announcement last week of a proposed $700 billion bailout for the floundering American financial system, noted American theologian Joseph McShane has made an unprecedented demand that the government bail out the endowment of Fordham University. Fordham, the Jesuit University of New York, has been mired in its own financial crisis as economic analysts are now predicting the institution to fall well short of quarterly estimates for endowment increase. When asked if he thought the use of government money to increase the endowment of a private, Catholic university was a flagrant misallocation of taxpayer dollars, McShane responded “No, I wouldn’t say so. I mean, alumni confidence was way down, and if this place folds, where do you go? Georgetown? Fuck that.” -B.D.
WASILLA, AK – Republican Vice Presidential hopeful Sarah Palin garnered further praise this week from pro-life groups across the nation when she announced that her son Track would be keeping the two week old fetus he is carrying. This comes two weeks after the son of the Alaska governor was abducted by aliens, anally probed (sodomized) repeatedly and impregnated with a “buttbaby” from outer space. Track, a member of the United States Army, repeatedly requested to have the fetus terminated because he wished to return to active duty and “they like totally raped my ass.” But Palin, a staunch opponent of abortion even in the case of rape, begged him to rethink. After a day of snow mobiling which he termed “deeply introspective”, the young Palin agreed. AP Health reports that the newest member of the Palin clan will burst from Track’s abdomen in 6 months or so. – B.D.
PHOENIX, AZ – According to newly discovered Turkish manuscripts, it appears that noted sack of leather and GOP Presidential hopeful John McCain beat Death in a game of chess while returning from the fourth crusade in 1204 CE. Experts now believe that the Crusades- and Vietnam- veteran is over 800 years of age, but has been unable to die since he checkmated the Grim Reaper on a beach in Southern Turkey. A source close to the Arizona Senator has linked his immortality to his stand on health insurance, saying only, “Why else would he take the stance he takes? He doesn’t need it.” – B.D.
YAZOO DELTA, MS – Former Ku Klux Klan Grand Wizard and former U.S. Senator David Duke has prematurely announced his intentions to once again run for the office of the President in 2012. The move would be Duke’s return to politics after nearly a decade of political silence. With the shocking announcement came an equally odd early declaration of a running mate: the blind, Black, white supremacist Clayton Bigsby. Bigsby, a little known writer from rural Mississippi is the author of several white supremacist books, despite the fact that he, himself is African American. When asked by reporters as to why a Black man would agree to run as VP to a known KKK leader, Clayton Bigsby had this to say: “That Barack fella, he broke a buncha cracks in that there glass ceiling. But me and Dave, we ain’t stoppin’ there, we ain’t stopping until we fixed ever’ one o’ them cracks so ain’t no body breaking through nothing.'” – C.H.