by Alexander Gibbons
Bronx, NY — Noted American theologian Father Joseph M. McShane stated last week that he was disappointed he was not given a role in the enormously anticipated Michael Douglas film Solitary Man. The movie, for which several scenes were filmed on Fordham University’s Rose Hill campus, chronicles the life of Ben Dylan, a reclusive hermit who lives in the woods and kidnaps local townspeople to feast upon their succulent flesh. Apparently, in exchange for the right to film on Fordham’s beautifully cinematic campus, McShane was promised the role of Van Douglas Smith, supernatural vigilante intent upon upholding the humane ideals of the community. Unfortunately, the part was given to Danny DeVito instead.
Guantanamo Bay, Cuba — Detainees of the notorious Guantanamo Bay are speculative of the so called “change” President-Elect Barack Obama has in mind concerning the institution many have considered their home away from home for almost a decade. Obama, who plans to close Gitmo once in office, apparently did not consult the detainees before making his momentous announcement. Larry Cohen, domestic terrorist and Gitmo member since 2005, was very upset with President-Elect Obama’s decision. “I really don’t think Mr. Obama has the best intentions of the detainees in mind with this decision,” said Cohen, “seriously, do you know what three years of constant fluorescent light exposure will do to one’s biological clock? How am I expected to survive in the real world?” Seamus Murphy, Governor of the detention camp, has made attempts to address the anxieties of many prisoners, stating that a rigorous assimilation program has begun to make the prisoner’s transition from Gitmo to regular detention camps as seamless as possible. “Well, we’ve already moved many prisoner’s at Delta Sector into small shed like structures, a huge change from the dog-house sized boxes that previously housed many inmates, and forays are being made to make prisoner’s understand the concept of regular intimidation as opposed to, well, you know, torture.” Murphy is confident that the program will quite successful.
Mexico City, Mexico — In what can only be an attempt to steal some of the luster of Senator John McCain’s recent presidential bid, Mexican politician Alfredo Garcia has adapted the McCain campaigns “real” America discourse. Garcia, who began incorporating mentions of “real” Mexico in recent stump speeches, has sternly stated that the idea was strictly a result of a Garcia advisor and not an imitation of John McCain’s campaign. When asked for further comment as to what “real” Mexico implys, Garcia responded “it’s just like regular Mexico, just with the addition of Texas, New Mexico, Nevada, and most of California.”
Orange, MA — A small community in Massachusetts has begun legislation to ban the right of gay divorce in the area, citing that the community must “uphold the wickedness and utter humiliation that constitutes heterosexual divorces.” The group staunchly opposes the idea of allowing gay marriage, but has announced that they would gladly honor married gay couples’ rights to pretend to be divorced, including the rights to pretend to go to court, to pretend to move out in a fury of tears and violence, and to pretend to awkwardly visit children in the company of a new, younger and more attractive gay spouse.