By Jack Ramos
Staff Zuck Watcher
It’s finally happening! Papa Zuckerberg is finally allowing all of us all to shed our useless physical bodies and transcend into the Metaverse where our full virtual forms can finally be realized! If you haven’t been keeping up with the news, you might have not heard, but Facebook is no more. Zuckerberg announced the decision to change Facebook’s name to Meta as part of a much larger rebranding that seeks to integrate virtual environments into what Zuck sees as “the next phase of the internet.”
In a strangely stark, tropical background, he laid out the plans for this new eon of digital integration. As a side note, for any keen-eyed Zuckerberg fans, the animatronic Facebook mogul had a bottle of Sweet Baby Ray’s BBQ sauce on his back wall. The acute awareness of his own absurdity, paired with the tone-deafness with which he addresses it, all adds to Zucktron’s strange robotic aura in this rambling introduction to his version of SkyNet. Throughout the two-hour virtual conference, he addresses the areas of our world Meta will impact the most. Aspects like entertainment, gaming, commerce, fitness, and work are all to be made better in Zuck’s hypothetical virtual paradigm. The absolute emotionless delivery of all of this information aids in making any viewer extremely uncomfortable. His robotic script seems like it was written by the robot from Ex Machina, which, when paired with the cultic prophecy-like nature of this announcement, fits all too well with Zuck’s aesthetic as our new cybernetic overlord.
His overall optimistic tone throughout the entire conference stood in stark contrast to the world of controversy his monolithic company is going through in the physical world. Claims of Instagram amplifying teenagers’ body-image issues, along with Facebook’s news feed algorithm pushing extremist ideals, seem to hover over Zuck’s head in this increasingly weird press release.
His decision to pivot to the Metaverse is certainly a ploy to distract from the apocalyptic implosion of his own company. Zuck wants to move forward and away from the insidious implications of Facebook and into the Metaverse, where he can exist solely as a VR avatar whose hairstyle no one can make fun of anymore. The entire presentation hinges on the idea that the Metaverse will somehow remove us from our devices and immerse us in a world of physical connection rather than just suck us deeper in. Zuckbot even mentions “all-day VR experiences” while showing images of people running around in simulated parks and engaging with each other in virtual conference rooms. In reality, this would most likely mean people sitting on their couches, fully wired into VR headsets and haptic gloves. While this does seem a little tempting, the information Zuck and his team of AI’s are most likely going to be collecting is certainly off-putting. In all actuality, this leap into a virtual world, akin to that of the early 2000’s kids show “Cyberchase,” is more likely than not going to be VR chatting with your aunt who spent far too much time on Facebook about how the vaccine implants microchips. While Zuck makes clear the Metaverse isn’t exactly feasible on today’s technologies, he definitely makes the effort to paint himself as the guiding light into our new virtual future. May we all be shown mercy by our future cyborg overlord Zucktron3000, and may he forever gift our virtual avatars with cool accessories.