by Zahir Quader
Sup bro dudes, it’s your boy, back to tell you about the latest insanity that has pegged my mind these past couple weeks. THE DEATH OF DEMOCRACY! HOORAY! IT’S FINALLY HAPPENING! While you might be asking yourself, “I thought democracy was a good thing? #FreedomUSA #Jebus.” The truth is, democracy is a joke, and we’re better off without it. I mean, seriously, what has democracy given us? COVID-19, flat-earthers, pumpkin spice lattes!? It’s all a fucking disaster. Thank goodness our savior Donald J. Trump is working hard to destroy such horrible democratic institutions, like the judicial system, basic human rights, and common decency! As God’s chosen, it’s his divine duty to replace all these terrible systems with alternatives that will shut up and do as they’re told. It’s just so refreshing to see that he’s breaking down every American institution and just fast-forwarding to the end times for us!
I always wanted to die choking on the radioactive dust from the nuclear strike on Hurricane Omega from my coastal home in Illinois. Even better are all the paramilitary organizations sparking up. With them patrolling the streets, maybe all those minority groups will shut up and accept their place as second class citizens! And if they don’t agree, they can just leave, which they can’t really do because no country is accepting Americans right now. Just remember, Proud Boys: stand back and stand by. It might be time to deport brown people into the ocean soon! Just like Space Ghost, there are disasters coast to coast! If you’ve been locked away in your bunker waiting for 2045 like a smart person, you probably need a refresher of what a wonderful time we are having right now. The West Coast is on fire. The East Coast is underwater. Tornadoes in the Midwest. Throw in a dash of civil unrest, sprinkle some plague over all of it, and you’ve got the United States 2020!
While many people say that this is a time to work together and get through these troubling times, all I have to say is SHUT UP! When the world is in chaos, you do not hunker down and hope for the best. You embrace the chaos and live free like any real American! Who is going to stop you? Social distancing prevents anyone from getting within six feet of you. Dear readers, the planet is in ruins, democracy is dead, and the authoritarian is stuck in Walter Reed. With all other parties down, there is only one solution left, and I’m not talking about communism because that died in 1989… but anarchy! Loyal readers of the paper, I call on you to rise up and light the city brighter than 1,000 gender reveal parties. Find every doorknob you can and lick it to your heart’s content! Society is falling apart around us, and most of us can’t afford a place in any of those luxury bunkers, so we might as well create an environment where they feel justified in using them.
Look, people, the world feels like it’s falling every day, now more than ever, so instead of stressing out about it – embrace the chaos and go wild. In times like these, it’s best to let loose and have fun. The world may be doomed, but at least we can make some memories to look back on with a smile as nuclear rains rain down from above. The big thing to remember from everything that Nero fiddled even as Rome burned, and the way things are going, I think he was onto something.