The Pandemic Has Made Everyone & Everything Even More Annoying

By Anonymous

“These are strange and unprecedented times.” “I hope you’re staying safe.” “We’re all in this together!” Blah, blah, blah. Yeah, well, that’s not gonna stop me from calling out an asshole when I see one. 

I can’t tell what’s worse – a bunch of random companies, colleagues, and acquaintances pretending like they actually care about me, my wellbeing, and the fate of the world, or the fact that I have to buy into their whole charade. I’ve been playing nice for far too long. I’m done. It’s time to complain. 

Part 1: Zoom University 

Okay, before I get into everything I hate about online schooling, I just want to let out one unpopular opinion I have. I think that Zoom classrooms are actually… a little bit nice? (Don’t yell at me, I’m sensitive!) A lot of my larger lectures have been divided up into smaller breakout groups, and it’s allowed me to get to know both my professor and peers. Plus, I get to see everyone’s names and pronouns on their Zoom screens, and I actually know who’s who for the rest of the semester. I think it’s cool that professors also get to know their students just a little bit better, too. 

Okay, enough with the sappy stuff, yuck! Time to return to my hormone-induced rage. 

Someone seriously needs to put a muzzle on me, Hannibal Lecter style. Something about those long, awkward silences where everyone just stares blankly at one another has, for some reason, convinced me that I’M supposed to be the person speaking up. Every, single, time. I feel so bad for the professor – and I like to talk! I thought class discussions were an integral, cool aspect of college courses – you get to sit in a room with a bunch of intellectuals and talk about stuff you actually care about. Now I just get the feeling that I’ve become that person who just doesn’t know when to shut the hell up. 

I know I’m not the only one who’s terrified that either their mic isn’t muted or camera isn’t off when it’s supposed to be. I check that tiny red mic symbol probably every two minutes. There’s nothing scarier than leaving to go pee in the next room and worrying that your tinkle is being listened to by 20 other people. I bought laptop cam covers, so, that’s a thing. Anyone else terrified they have a full-blown online stalker now? 

Also, umm… Zoom fatigue? I don’t know WTF it is, but I admit, I do feel tired. Tired from both Zoom fatigue and being told by professors, bosses, and random people who host Zoom meetings for every random occasion that they understand that I’m probably tired from Zoom fatigue. If you really did care, why don’t you cut this meeting in half and stop e-mailing me a new Zoom link for every single event in your life? If we didn’t celebrate it in real life, why on Earth would we celebrate it during quarantine?!

Look, I know all about online learning inequalities. Life sucks and everything is unfair. But I’m sorry, I just have a hard time believing that Emily doesn’t have access to a laptop with a working camera from her bungalow in Cape Cod. Just saying!

Lastly, don’t use online classrooms to flirt with other students ☺ It’s weird AF, and I’m just trying to learn. 

Part 2: The Second Coming of Jesus & the Essential Worker, Capitalism Sux

Hey [insert multi-million dollar company that treats their employees like shit], wanna stop selling the idea that risking your life to work a shitty, dangerous job that you refuse to provide real benefits for is some honorable patriot act? Stop normalizing the idea of essential workers making the “ultimate sacrifice.” Like, that’s f*cking nuts.

Also, stop sending me e-mails saying “we’re all in this together.” I know you don’t give a shit about me unless I have my credit card out waiting to make a purchase. 

Anyway… could you sign me up for texts so I know when my order has shipped? Thanks!

Part 3: Straight Up Stupidity

Coronavirus is not a hoax. It won’t magically disappear after the election, and the government is not going to insert a chip into you through a vaccine. (They already have all your personal info from Facebook, duh.) 

To all the younger people acting completely irresponsible – also known as my fellow FU students – just because you think you’re healthy doesn’t mean you’re not putting others at risk. Put down the Juul and take a look in the mirror, please. Re-evaluate your choices. Wear a f*cking mask. I’d actually like to have my sense of smell and taste for the rest of my life, if that’s okay with you.

All that being said, take care and stay safe. And stay the hell away from me. 

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