Zahir’s got some new ideas
by Zahir Quader
Good news everyone—the Big Z is back at ya with a brand-new article! As many of you have heard, candidates Joe Biden and Kamala Harris, in an effort to get more youth involvement in the election, have begun to reach out on Animal Crossing New Horizons, and I have something to say about it… typical liberal pandering! Everyone knows no real Americans play Animals Crossing. Caring about animals, the environment, being relaxed, CROSSING! That is everything Tucker Carlson terrified us into hating! So I have proposed an idea where God’s chosen president can counter this liberal conspiracy by reaching out to the youth and joining in on another popular game one where people just like him gather to speak and have fun the American way in an American game! The one that only the top tier of Americans play…. FORTNITE! Imagine the joy on their faces as their favorite president regales them with stories of how he beats the fake news all the time or how he has beaten “GINA” on every corner of the world. He’s the best president in American history, and we are all truly blessed to have him lead us. Even better, no matter what his team wins, they win so much they get tired of winning. Even when they lose. Not only will players win more with him leading, but he knows their language as well, building even more trust with the patriots of gaming!
With a racial slur here and a sexual comment there—here a slur, there a slur—and threats of violence everywhere, good old President Donald has a community where his comments are not only acceptable but also the norm and, in some cases, encouraged. Fortnite gives him a way to not only relieve stress but also talk freely with like-minded individuals. No more suffering under big tech censorship or “cancel culture” on Fortnite. The president has the freedom to tell real Americans about the real truths that the “lamestream” media is hiding from them. Not only the chatting but the agendas of Fortnite are made for those who live by the MAGA code.
Fortnite’s entire concept is to build walls to keep people who are different from you out and eliminate them if they violate your borders. Unlike in New Venezuela or Los China, no liberal gun law can prevent you from defending yourself from the threats of illegal buff cats or Blue Blob monsters. Fortnite encourages, if not rewards, you to drive these criminal aliens from your lands. It’s the utopia President Trump always speaks of. It is a perfect example of how good guys with guns stop bad guys with guns.
Donald Jiggles Trump, why not bring your campaign to the Fortnite community? You have everything you need there. You’ll be free to speak your mind with like-minded individuals. You can tell those lame liberal weaklings what’s what. Prove to them how all the real Americans avoid those foreign games! Everyone knows Animal Crossing is a Japanese conspiracy to make Americans more calm and appreciate nature more and make all the sheeple more compliant with the Chinese—or should I say the Japanese—VIRUS! Everyone knows Epic Games is an all American company with no foreign ties and is promoting the real truth and fighting socialism with all the in-game purchases in Fortnite!
Mr. President, the only way to save America from Socialist Sleepy Joe and Secret Jamaican-but-not-Jamaican Kamala is to join the real heroes of Fortnite! If Joe wins, we are owned by China. Play Fortnite, the most American game there is, to rally all the good, tolerant, well-mannered Fortnite players. Only with their help and support can we save America from the influence of China and Chinese companies!