Capitalism killed Mr. Peanut.
By Taylor Mascetta
In an advert preceding peanut company Planters’ annual Super
Bowl commercial, the famous legume found himself, along with actors
Matt Walsh and Wesley Snipes, in a sticky situation that no one
expected or really wanted to see. When swerving to avoid an armadillo
crossing the road, the Nutmobile soared off a cliff, leaving our
three “heroes” dangling off a breaking branch. Suddenly, for
unforeseen reasons, Mr. Peanut decided to sacrifice himself for the
two actors and plummeted to his demise. Any hope that he had survived
the fall – after all, his body was not seen – died with him as the
Nutmobile exploded into a blazing hellfire.
Planters’ curveball decision to brutally murder their beloved
mascot was an attempt to memorialize Mr. Peanut as the Tony Stark of . . .
nuts. “We did the unthinkable: we created an idea where Mr. Peanut
dies, and dies specifically sacrificing himself for his friends,
which has always been a tenet of who he is and what he does — he
always puts others first,” Planters’ ad executive, Mike Pierantozzi,
told CNBC. After all, Mr. Peanut apparently is a World War II veteran – he’s a hero.
The ad shocked the Internet, spurning both concerned and
confused responses. The main question pertaining to Mr. Peanut’s
tragic demise was “Why?” Was it necessary to exploit some childhood
trauma by mercilessly killing a character integral to grocery stores
The timing of the ad’s release also proved to be controversial
following the tragic death of Kobe Bryant, his daughter Gianna and
seven others in a helicopter crash on January 26. Planters
temporarily halted the publicization in respect to the victims.
However, the company still invited everyone to Mr. Peanut’s
funeral during Super Bowl LIV. The world wasn’t ready.
The funeral takes place during a commercial aptly named
“Tribute.” An assortment of guests, including a solemn Mr. Clean and
a weeping Kool-Aid Man, surround a mound of dirt surrounding the
corpse (which, suspiciously, remains fully intact?) The group
reminisces about how Mr. Peanut allegedly brought people together,
and that he’d be happy that everyone was getting along. This speech
leads to Kool-Aid Man sobbing a depressed “Oh, yeah,” his tears
soaking the grave. Suddenly, light pours in from the sky and a new
plant sprouts, revealing Mr. Peanut’s new entity – Baby Nut.
Baby Nut, somehow, was born wearing a top hat and pristine
gloves. He chirped like a dolphin straight out of the womb, yet still
spoke like his adult self. He knew what a monocle was at the ripe age
of ten seconds. His new appearance remains cute, endearing, yet, in a
way, absolutely terrifying.
Since his resurrection, Baby Nut embarked on a journey towards
world dominance. In addition to Twitter quickly verifying him, he’s
also already secured the highly-coveted verified check on TikTok.
Poorly animated videos of him dancing spread across Reddit and
Twitter like wildfire. Baby Nut’s official Twitter even released a
four-hour live stream of Baby Nut in his cradle, and people actually
watched it. He’s achieved godlike meme status.
Yet the rise of Baby Nut’s dominance feels familiar. Just a mere
few months ago, “The Child,” dubbed Baby Yoda, took the world by
storm. The beloved star of acclaimed Disney+ series “The Mandalorian”
managed to win over the hearts of even the most unsatisfiable Star
Wars fans. People will literally lay down their lives for this baby,
which has led to a sense of hatred towards the aforementioned Baby
Nut. And don’t even mention the all-father of all things “baby;” Baby
To the general public, Baby Yoda is Chanel, while Baby Nut is
Walmart. The consensus is that most people see Baby Nut almost as a campaign riding on the “baby” hype and that it ripped off the idea of
Baby Yoda to publicize its own brand. Therefore, Baby Nut’s
popularity stems from everyone’s intense, and at times violent,
hatred towards him. People threatened to grind Baby Nut into fresh
peanut butter as an offering to Baby Yoda. There’s a viral youtube
video of a strange being absolutely beating the shit out of Baby Nut,
and chucking the remainder of his shell into a blender.
Going back to his resurrection, so many questions have sprouted
alongside this baby. Most of them pertain to the Kool-Aid Man. If his
entire being consists of Kool-Aid, why does he cry human tears? Are
his tears magical or holy water? Better yet, since Kool-Aid Man
brought Baby Nut back to life, does this make him his daddy? And
since Baby Nut sacrificed his life for others and later resurrected,
does that make him the Jesus of his universe? Is Kool-Aid Man God?
Baby Nut isn’t going anywhere anytime soon . . . and the world just
doesn’t know how to grasp that information. Is there room for yet
another baby superstar in the meme universe, or will Baby Nut
eventually fade into obscurity? Only time will tell. Until then the
world has to endure his never ending, hellish live-streams that still
find their way onto our suggested page.