“Cats: The Movie” Gives “Hell on Earth” A New Meaning

Why? Who asked for this? Not us…

By Katelyn Cody

Copy Chief

It’s the most wonderful time of the year. I should be frolicking around in a pile of leaves, drinking hot chocolate, and preparing for Christmas; but instead, I am being haunted by CGI humanoid cats in the lead up to the release of the movie version of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s 1981 musical, “Cats.”

“Cats” is easily my least favorite piece of theater; it might be my least favorite thing in existence. Not only do I hate it, I am absolutely terrified of it. When I was little, my grandparents had a VHS tape (yep, I’m old) of “Barney and Friends” that I loved to watch. However, in order to get to the good stuff, you had to suffer through . a commercial for a taped version of the London production of “Cats”, and I would cry through it until finally, someone realized they could just fast forward and I’d be fine. That commercial plagued me and I have not known peace since.

The new trailer for the upcoming movie was released on Tuesday, November 19th and it’s bringing back a lot of painful memories (haha “memories,” get it? The most famous song from the show is “Memory”). Normally, I would do everything in my power to avoid anything having to do with this movie, but because I love “the paper” so much, I took one for the team and watched it. This version of the show was actually slightly less terrifying to me, although it did not make me hate it any less. I think that because the movie is animated, it is not as unnerving as having actual human beings dressed in skin-tight cat suits, but the whole humanoid-look is still present.

I actually saw the Broadway revival during my freshman year because my dorm had cheap tickets and I thought it would help me overcome this bizarre fear. It didn’t help. It might have even made it worse because in the stage production, the stage had been built up to connect to the mezzanine so the actors could go into the audience. So there I was, innocent little college freshman trying to enjoy the perks of seeing Broadway shows that come with going to school in the city, confronted with a nightmare-inducing humanoid cat-thing crawling on the seats less than ten feet away from me. That is the image I see in my head every time I pass an advertisement for the movie.

The trailer made sure to highlight the film’s star-studded cast as a way to get people to watch this monstrosity, since a wide-range of celebrities in the cast is about the only thing this movie has going for it. I personally don’t think it helps, because I will never be able to look at James Cordon, Idris Elba, or even my girl T-Swift the same way again. I actually think that Taylor Swift has betrayed the cat-lady community by being in this movie.

It has also come to my attention that Taylor Swift co-wrote a new song for the movie with Webber, the original composer, and it was released as a single last week. Again, I took one for the team and listened to it, and all I have to say is Taylor, honey, what are you doing? You could be doing so much better with your life other than associating with this nightmare masquerading as a motion picture. And you, the reader, probably have much better things to do with your life than watch this.

10/10 would not recommend watching this movie. I reviewed the trailer because there is absolutely no way that I would pay my hard-earned money to watch this movie, even if it was just to review it for “the paper”. I love this publication, but not enough to put myself through that.


Image Source: Glamour.com

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