The new KFC dating sim is the game you neither wanted nor needed.
By Zahir Quader
Features & Lists Editor
Are you lonely? Are you horny? Do you have an interest in fried chicken that is borderline erotic? Then “I Love You Colonel Sanders” is the game for you. As a student in the kawaii world of Cooking University you have the entirety of your three day semester to have the one and only Colonel Sanders fall in love with you and he is fingerlickin’ good (in an erotic way… just wanted to make that clear… like he’s like super hot). As you go on your adventure to find true love with the Colonel you are joined by equally unique and beautiful characters. First there is Miriam your best friend who is an absolute klutz. Ashleigh your archrival and from what I have read in the steam comments likes to step on people? She is joined by her lackey Van Van who besides being the hottest one in the entire game and jacked AF, is a clear homage to a famous anime character… Naruto. The entire class is taught by none other than Professor Dog a talking Corgi with a degree from Culinary School and a super good boy. There is also Pop, a sentient oven, and some random dude everyone hates.
Join all these characters on all their wild and wacky escapades, all with the end goal of getting into the Colonel’s pants. Get lost in the Fried Chicken dimension as the Colonel’s 11 herbs and spices send you on an orgasmic journey that breaches the laws of space and time. Help Miriam decide whose more fuckable, a man baby or a talking oven. Learn of the glorious Spork. the greatest invention known to man and much more. This game is so hot and steamy you feel like your heart will burst into an explosion of popcorn chicken. There is so much more to this game but it is too hot to handle for The Paper, and just like those 11 herbs and spices if you knew everything you would probably need a cold shower just to get through it all.
Playing this game has awakened hidden emotions in countless people. It is a life changing experience that can only be seen once in a generation. It has had such an impact on culture and society since it came out a week ago that people have already spread the word of what this game has done for them. Bob B. stated “I bought this game as a joke but, once I saw the Colonel I called my girlfriend to break up with her because I realized I didn’t know true love until I saw his face.” Greg G. said “I will never look at KFC the same.” and Chris D. said “God is dead, I am in Hell…. DAMN Colonel Sanders be sexy!”
While this game is quite an enjoyable way to connect with friends and cleanse yourself of the dirty Popeye’s eaters, it has brought so many together as weebs and fried chicken lovers (historical enemies according to the Pornhub comments section). It has brought all people together to lock themselves in their rooms for three hours to experience such beauty. “I Love You Colonel Sanders” is much more than getting down and dirty with the fried chicken man though; it is about love, friendship and respect. The way the game encourages you to help your friends and the importance of foreplay are teachings that I will remember for years to come.
While sexy as hell “I Love You Colonel Sanders” does have some flaws. Again looking at both the Steam and Pornhub comments section, many people have voiced some complaints about the game. One user stated “0/10 no sex.” Yes, the game lacks an all the way version at least so far. Many users have complained that this game is just one long tease that builds up only to stop right when things get good, just like your ex-boyfriend finishes before you are even remotely satisfied. Honestly though, for a game officially produced, sponsored and licensed by the KFC corporation it’s just right.
That’s correct. This game is an officially licensed product of the KFC Company officially approved by their marketing department and the Colonel itself. They knew what the people wanted and they made which is the best thing for a fast food company to do since Chick-Fil-A started giving out rings to promote abstinence and the sin that is premarital sex. The truth is though this game just for existing has made the world a better place. If we showed it to the right people we could end wars. It could finally get Mike Pence to come out of the closet and accept his truth. “I Love You Colonel Sanders” is ushering in not only a golden age for video games but humanity as a whole. In conclusion “I Love You Colonel Sanders” is 11/10 Stars and free on Steam download it now, nirvana awaits.