Father Terence, Vampire Hunter

By Daniel Baltoi

Note: The following interview was obtained with extreme difficulty, as Father Terence prefers that none interfere with his mission. The Father kindly asks that no student attempt to locate him, nor learn his true identity. Some secrets are meant, like Father Terence himself, to quietly serve their purpose before departing swiftly into the night.

Daniel Baltoi: Thank you so much for your time, Father. Now, let’s start with the question I think a lot of students have on their minds: are there really vampires in the city?

Father Terence: Indeed, there are. Alack, but I do all I can.

DB: What do you mean, Father?

FT: Every Monday night – for that day, my boy, is by far the foulest – I mount the Metro-North and descend into the city. Silver crux in hand, from the highest high-rise to the most sunken subways, I hunt down the monsters, my thirst for vengeance as unquenched as theirs for blood.

DB: Oh, so you’re like Batman!

FT: Pardon?

DB: Batman, you know. He never gets any sleep, cause he’s always after justice in the city.

FT: Excuse me, but vampire hunting is a noble pursuit, and, unlike your Batman, quite real.

DB: Right with you, Father, right with you. Hey, you know, Batman never gets any girls either! They just don’t understand the responsibility and stuff.

FT: Actually, as one of the Jesuits at Fordham, I am required to take a vow of chastity.

DB: Wait, there aren’t any vampires at Fordham, are there?

FT: Heavens, no! I haven’t seen any in years.

DB: The f***! Years! Father Terence, Spellman’s hella far from the rest of campus! You get over  to the freshman dorms every now and then, right?

FT: I assure you, Rose Hill is quite-

DB: Wait, are you seriously the only one? We have like what, a hundred Jesuits, and one
vampire hunter? You can see them okay with your glasses, right?

FT: Young man, I think that’s enough. Thank you.

DB: Father Terence! Can you walk me to Martyrs’? Please? I’ll edit the interview before I send it to the paper, I promise.

FT: (sighs) All right… By the way… err… if you wouldn’t mind telling me… what sort of costume does the Batman wear?

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