Solve loneliness by Naruto-running directly into danger
By Henry Hittle
Staff Alien Advocate
Area 51 – a secretive government facility in the Nevada desert that only few know the inner workings of. Also known by its official name “Nellis Air Force Base,” the facility operates within the U.S. Air Force’s Nevada Test and Training Range, just north of Las Vegas. The on-the-books purpose for this facility is to test highly-classified experimental aircraft, such as the famous SR-71 Blackbird reconnaissance plane. As it is well known, however, many believe there is a concealed purpose of this facility: to store and research alien lifeforms and alien technology. This theory was first introduced to the public in the 90’s by supposed former USAF contractor, Bob Lazar, who claimed to have been stationed on the base. Many conspiracy theorists, curious tourists, and desert junkies have flocked to the small town of Rachel, Nevada, making it a hotbed for trespassing, UFO sightings, and abductions. The State of Nevada has even recognized the significance of the base, naming a nearby roadway the “Extraterrestrial Highway,” while locals opened up the “Little A’Le’Inn” restaurant and inn.
This past June, Matty Robberts created a Facebook event titled “Storm Area 51, They Can’t Stop All of Us,” in which attendees are encouraged to Naruto run into the base. While it quickly stormed the internet as a popular meme, there is something to be said about the cohesive effect the event could have. Despite the advent of social media, Generation Z and millennials are considered the loneliest generations. A study performed by YouGov showed that 30% of millennials reported they “always or often feel lonely,” higher than any other group.
What could be causing this? The fact is, society is more divided than ever. Political polarization has even made friends see each other as enemies, as Republicans and Democrats increasingly view the opposing party as a threat to democracy itself. The dividing lines don’t stop there. Some love bodybuilding, while others enjoy anime. Some like Coke, others like Pepsi. Yanny or Laurel? White dress or blue dress? Does Central Jersey exist?? Is a hot dog a sandwich??? These pressing matters divide, polarize, and isolate our generation, creating an emotional pain that only one thing can solve: a raid on Area 51.
For decades, Americans have demanded to know what goes on in the clandestine facility, with no answers being provided by a government that is supposed to work for the people. On September 20th, this will be no more. We will come together to stop the oppression of big government, and once and for all release our extra-terrestrial brethren that have been wrongfully imprisoned.
Over 2 million people have pledged to attend the event, the hotels and campsites surrounding the base are booked solid, two festivals have been planned, and even Arby’s will be catering. We know they’re scared. The FAA has imposed flight restrictions, the FBI is surveilling attendants, and the Air Force has sent in extra manpower. So, Kyles, Karens, anti-vax kids, furries, weebs, and every other group that makes up our beautifully diverse generation, get your redbull ready, practice your Naruto run, and brace yourselves for the event of a lifetime. Just as the storming of the Bastille did for the French and Woodstock did for the 60’s, Alienstock will unite us in a common bond of demanding government transparency, and of course seeing them aliens. Remember, they can’t stop all of us.
*P.S…. Please, please, please don’t even bother trying. It’s not gonna work. The Air Force has already trained their personnel in counter-Naruto techniques.