Quit Complaining About GrubHub

We’re all going to keep using it anyways

By Matt Rosa Ruane

Staff Chicken Wrap

Recently, there has been a significant amount of complaining about the whole GrubHub ordering system. Some people have claimed they had arrived to receive their orders, only to realize the cooks hadn’t begun to make them yet. Others have said that by the time they arrive, their order has already been thrown out for whatever reason. I am here to set the record straight. In order to better serve the valued readers of this publication, I personally sought to use and truly experience what students at Fordham have been up in arms about to better be able to deliver the truth. You may not like the truth, you may not agree with the truth, but my single experience with this system should be, at the very least, a standardized benchmark for how my readers perceive the GrubHub ordering system. Now, I will share my own experience.

It was half-past 10 on a cool September night. I had awoken from a deep slumber that often follows a four-class Tuesday schedule. With hunger in my belly and determination in my eyes, I looked down at my phone. I shuffled through to the GrubHub app and began the biggest test of my own sanity I would have that day. Seeing that it was a Tuesday night, Urban Kitchen was the way to go. Like any normal person, I ordered a chicken wrap with no sauce and added some avocado. I also got small fries and a 22 oz fountain drink, knowing that cup shall runneth over with Minute Maid fruit punch. Popping in my earbuds, I started my trek across campus to the void that is O’Hare. The weather? Too breezy for September. The music? Loud enough that I couldn’t hear my thoughts. The vibe? A’ight.

I walked into Urban, expecting the place to be entirely empty. I mean a Tuesday night at roughly 10:40, how could anyone else make the kind of life mistakes I made to get me to this moment in time? I was wrong. I couldn’t have known, I was just a boy then. A sea of walking dead filled the room. Everybody there was just as exhausted as I was, and yet simultaneously desired the kind of nourishment only Urban could fulfill. Meal swipes and DCB were worth a person’s weight in gold in this apocalyptic land. Some, like me, entered soulless and alone. Others stood with their comrades in arms, hoping suffering together was better than suffering alone. I, believing my GrubHub order had secured me a higher status in this arena, was promptly proven wrong being told they were “working on my order.” This is where my struggle began.

Five minutes had passed. At first, I attempted to stand stoic and strong in the face of this news. I looked straight ahead, attempting to focus on the goal, rather than the boredom that was eating away at my mental health. My strength had held up so far and I intended to stick through it for the payoff.

Another three minutes had passed and I was beginning to lose myself. In an attempt to distract myself, I began to play 2048. I had not even considered opening this app for the previous five years of my life. I had truly hit rock bottom. Glancing at my battery, I realized I had a precious few moments left of relative comfort in this hell I had subjected myself to.

At this point, another 10 minutes had passed. With my phone dead and very little to do, I began to ponder life and her most pertinent questions. What am I doing with my life? Am I wasting valuable time I could be using to achieve wonder? Why am I actively choosing to fuck myself with the sheer amount of debt I’m gonna be in out of college? Typical questions college students ask themselves every day. Also, the new Joker movie? I can already tell that movie’s gonna absolutely wreck my state of consciousness. I’m expecting the kind of life contemplation that a movie like American Beauty gave me. Honestly, without my phone, I’m starting to really feel enlightened by the kind of stuff I’m thinking about.

Okay, it has been a total of 25 minutes and from a purely customer service standpoint, I’m quite peeved. Like, why would it say “10 minutes no-line” on the app if it’s taken double that and the line is thick as ever? I’m not even mad, I’m just disappointed. I’d be cool showing up later, just don’t make me show up, then wait for four years. Be honest. It’s like when you tell someone, “I’m 5 minutes away” when you’re really a solid 20 minutes out. When I do that, the instant relief is insane, but you know the person who had to wait is gonna be pissy. Just be honest.

Alright, 30-minute mark. David Foster Wallace was full of shit. The whole, “other people might have it worse” is too theoretical for me. Unless someone starts hemorrhaging blood, it is impossible for someone to be more upset with life than I am right now. I recognize how selfish I am right now, but to be fair so is everybody else. As much as everyone says that we should be more aware of the plights of others, I sure do feel like everyone in this Urban is being just as selfish as I am right now.

Finally, 32 minutes and 37 seconds later, I got my wrap. I stroll out to the front of the bookstore and open that wrap to get what I wanted: nourishment. I take my first bite, expecting to taste God’s tears. Extra sauce and no avocado. I broke down crying.
I walked into Urban that night as a boy, filled with whimsy. I left a man, broken by time and defeat. So overall, I’d give that experience a 6/10. Listen, it was a pain in the ass and they fucked up my order, but if it was a restaurant I would still tip them. Maybe not 20%, but at least 15%. So stop bitching about the GrubHub app, we’re all gonna keep using it because otherwise, we’d have to deal with additional social interaction which is no good either! Au Revoir!

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