The Planet is Dying? Yeah, Whatever…

Plants aren’t even that great anyway

by Zahir Quader

Features & Lists Editor

Recently in America, a new mind plague has been brainwashing our youth: ENVIRONMENTALISM. This cancer of an ideology states that human activity since the Industrial Revolution has been adding excess CO2 (like that is even a thing) into the atmosphere. Apparently, this gas creates a sort of “greenhouse” effect trapping excess heat in the atmosphere. According to the mind-controlling communists out there, this excess heat causes climate change, in which parts of the planet are hit with climate effects of both extremes as nature is thrown out of whack. This change in nature is allegedly melting the polar ice caps, not only endangering native species, but also threatening coastal cities with severe flooding. Some may even be wiped off the map for good. Honestly, it all sounds ridiculous.

I read on Twitter that environmentalism is a joint Clinton, Chinese, and Atheist propaganda movement dedicated to slow down U.S. manufacturing and turn us all into godless squid men. The other side may have their thousands of studies, facts, and statistics dating back decades, but @BenKirkJones69_ states that Jesus himself told him the truth last week. Between you and me, that is 1,000 times more believable.

The worst thing about environmentalism is all of the sinister government policies it has created. From establishing national parks to the Endangered Species Act, the Clean Power Plan, Paris Climate Accords and, worst of all, the Green New Deal, all of these policies have permanently damaged the industrial complex that historically made America so great. It breaks my heart to think of all the coal mines unbuilt, the oil fields untapped, and all the school zones unfracked.

As we know, national parks are a waste of space. These unique and beautiful places in nature are full of rare resources and unique lifeforms that could easily be exploited for the gain of all Americans. Instead of harvesting these high-quality products, people have instead decided to preserve these historic places for the next generation. It is honestly just plain stupid to sacrifice short-term profits for long-term ecological preservation and respect for future generations. The Koch Brothers would be so disappointed if they saw what young people today are advocating for.

Another horrible thing brought on by this cult-like ideology is that of the Endangered Species Act. This act has saved countless species such as eagles, bears, and wolves. Without it, so many animals we know and love today would be gone from the face of the Earth. But has anyone even thought that maybe God wanted them to go extinct? If any species makes it slightly inconvenient for people because pesticides are killing their eggs or it’s inhumane to shoot them for fun out of a train window, who cares? Animals don’t feel pain or have feelings. They were put here to serve the interests of people. If they go extinct, tough luck for them as long as the people had fun.

These crazy hippies forget the biggest thing in their way — our leadership is truly on the side of the good people of this nation. They know they will not live to see the consequences of their actions. It’s all about maximizing profits and taking as much of the world with them, because who cares what happens after they are dead? It is people like that who I truly admire — those that destroy life on the planet so they can make a quick buck during their last 10 years here. The best part is that they invoke religion as a justification for their actions. They state brilliant things like, “God told me to wipe out these penguins so we may mine for coal where they used to be!” Or “Smash these sea turtle eggs so we can build a luxury golf course on their nesting site (in the name of the Lord of course).” It is admirable how dedicated these people are to cleansing the earth of so many species. It’s almost like they are doing this as practice for some other types of cleansing.

Everyone knows diversity is extremely stressful with all of the different people, foods, and cultures coming together to build something new. Biodiversity is even scarier with all the different creatures running around. You don’t know which ones are good to eat and which ones are the devil in disguise. The best thing to do is to wipe them out because they were made for us and we should be allowed to do as we please.

The most important thing to remember is environmentalism is horrible because it teaches people to respect all living creatures on the planet, to preserve nature and all of its beauty for future generations and, worst of all, to sacrifice short-term profits for long-term benefits.

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