Storks are some real bitches
By Matt Rosa Ruane & George Murphy
Staff Bird Haters
In the year zero, after the death of our dearly beloved Christ, Earth had a modest population of roughly 190 million people. At the turn of the first millennia, the population had only increased by 60 million to about 250 million. Just one millennium after that, our population has increased nearly 30 fold to over seven billion. The world’s population has grown much too large, spelling nothing but doom for Earth and her people. The position of power that Mother Nature once held over us has completely altered. Why, you may ask? Because of kleptomaniac, arrogant billionaires like Bill Gates who think sending medicine and hygienic practices to the underdeveloped world is doing us any favors. The fact of the matter is the longer humans ignore the problem, the worse it will get. For the feeble-minded, here’s an analogy: let’s say someone has a runny nose – maybe a cold. They head to the local doctor for a check-up. Now think to yourself, does the doctor prescribe them medicine or just some tissues? The tissues are not a solution; they only temporarily mitigate the patients’ symptoms. What they need is medicine. Now imagine that this patient is the human race, the doctor is a group of the most influential people on our planet, and the cold is the overpopulation catastrophe we are living through today. Family planning? Tissues. Education? Tissues. Government incentives? Tissues. Tissues, tissues, tissues. These are temporary solutions – excuses. What the human race needs is a cure. We must stop our problem at the origin. First, let us define the origin. I have one word for you: storks. This is where our journey begins.
A veil may shield the process of baby formulation from some, but in order to continue with the dissertation, we must tell our readers the outright, undeniable truth. Every one of us was beak-delivered by a stork – a stork with a skewed moral compass and a hateful disregard for the state of our population. This image may be traumatizing for some, but to help this cause we must educate the uneducated.
The storks are a menace. Their unrelenting delivery of infants has malevolent intentions. We took the liberty to interview a few victims of unwanted newborn garnering on the streets of New York City to show how personal the effects of stork’s actions can be. Queens native Henry Wassinger, 43, describes coming home from a 14-month deployment in Iraq to find “two more children than [he] had originally wanted.” Both he and his wife faced serious financial trouble and had no explanation as to how or why the white bulbous-beaked perverts forced two more children upon them. Another interview revealed how negligent the long-legged losers are when it comes to delivering the correct human. Matt Helvicki, a 32-year-old man from SoHo, explained his situation: “I was ecstatic when my wife said we were getting a baby boy. I daydreamed about a child who would look, talk, and act like me, but when the baby finally arrived, there must have been a gaffe. The child looked nothing like me – it had the complexion of my wife’s boyfriend.” Helvicki, one of the many victims of the storks’ careless blunders, has tried contacting the freakish-feathered fucks to no avail. The storks are unresponsive. Now we must ask ourselves, who are these birds? What are their motives?
The Art of War states, “know your enemy and know yourself, and in one hundred conflicts you will naturally prevail,” and so we feel duty compels us as journalists to inform our readers on the enemy for the wars to come. Their motives? These long-beaked, white-bodied abominations roam the world in search of places to bring down terror to assert their power. To understand the modern implications of these ravenous beasts, you have to understand how they rose to power in the first place. Storks have operated as a necessary part of world culture since Adam and Eve received their first child from a stork. For a time, these modern hell birds created joy and often aided the human race into becoming as powerful as it is today. This all changed quite recently during the most recent shift in power in the stork community. In 1942, the world was experiencing one of the most deadly wars known to humanity. With Americans fighting the good fight overseas, the storks saw an opportunity to appoint a new bird as their Chancellor to regain their power on the world stage. Their choice, who haunts the minds of academics to this day, was power craved Vlasic Pickle Stork, Jovny. Jovny was a rank fascist, who went on often and loudly about figures like Spanish Dictator Francisco Franco or German Chancellor Adolf Hitler in praise. After seizing power, this feathered freak brought upon his first action campaign against the United States. Drafting millions of his feathered brethren into his legion, he sent stork after stork to deliver baby after baby to the doorsteps of all the mommies and daddies. These bombings would become what’s known today as “The Baby Boom”, an assault whose fury was only matched by key strategic bombings like Operation Desert Storm or Hiroshima. Too busy fighting the Second World War, Americans could do nothing but watch in awe as the population rose.
That was over 75 years ago, and the relentlessness of these fiends is never-ending. We have been petitioning the Federal Government for over six years now to list storks as operatives of terror, subject to the same punishment as any traitor: death. While we are still awaiting a response, we fear that stork lobbying would prevent any substantial action against storks in Congress. If we take no action however, humanity is effectively signing its death certificate.
It’s about time America began taking responsibility for the well-being of her people. Rather than continue to wage war overseas, it’s time for the United States’ Armed Forces to turn their attention toward the enemy at our shores. We suggest a total recall of American soldiers from overseas and the rally of the largest army known to mankind against the infestation of storks. We will systematically exterminate every stork until balance is back in the world. In the end, it very well may not be enough, but at the very least we will know that we died fighting for humanity rather than living for the storks.