the paper’s Beloved Judy Rides Off Into the Sunset

She retires to pursue Mike Pence…romantically

by Hillary Bosch

Opinions Deaditor

I wish I could say I decided to write for the paper for something important; a higher purpose, a call to defend free speech and democracy, memes… But no, I joined the paper because I thought a guy in class was nice and he wouldn’t shut up about it, so I assumed they must be nice, too. In April of sophomore year I finally stumbled into a meeting one night and met the editors and writers. They were nice, but they were also crazy.

Though I wrote for them on a whim, joined the editorial staff for fun, and co-Edited the Opinions section to hang out with people I love, I think I did find that higher purpose after all. Like many college newspapers we read about now in history books, the paper offers the opportunity to think above and beyond, to write candidly.

Most of the time what comes out of this journalistic candor isn’t groundbreaking writing, but rather fun things to read that were fun for us to write. Sure, we at the paper take this communication platform to our peers seriously, but it’s also so freeing to be able to write whatever you think is worth talking about, from Veggie Tales to queefs to gushers to environmentalism. A higher purpose doesn’t have to be serious or significant, it just has to be important enough to challenge you to do better, and boy did I write a lot of good shit. Good, but also crazy.

It has been such a joy to work alongside such nice and crazy people. For the last two years, the paper has been such a constant good thing to look forward to. As an active member of two theatre groups on campus, theatre productions are quick, stressful, hectic, and a lot of fun, but often times it feels like they’re over as soon as they start. But the paper? Nah. the paper is eternal. A state of mind, state of being. One must become a meme before they make their first meme.

To Luis and Nick, thank you for welcoming me in halfway through the second act. I can’t go a day without reading the news now or listening to the dulcet tones of Michael Barbaro or Dan Carlin, and I blame/credit you entirely. To Rachel and Declan, thank you for making me feel like I had something worth writing about. You went out of your way to help me become the dork I am now and I know I would have been worse off without you. To MiChAeL jAcK and David, you opened your apartment and Rolling Rock for me; that’s kindness if I’ve ever seen it. I feel like we’ve made a good bit of this journey to our senior deaths together, and I can’t think of a time when I wasn’t so happy to be with you both. Gabby, you’ve come so far from the freshman I used to know to a true STAR and I love you so goddamn much. To Colleen and Claire, my spirit/fashion/art/feminist icon, you held the paper together when everyone was on their bullshit, which was all the time. You are natural leaders, and should be so proud of what you made.

To my beloved Bob, the time has come for us to part. Mike Pence eventually remembered what he was missing and I’m off to have a sexy yet troubled life with a white Boomer physically indistinguishable from you. It’s been a lot of fun, Jack. Get ‘em this year. To Meredith, Christian, and Suresh, y’all are the reason I have literally any faith in humanity, no pressure. I’m already so impressed with what you’ve done with the paper, I can’t wait to see what y’all think up next year. To fellow paper peeps I’ve pretended to work hard with, it’s been a pleasure serving with you. Go forth and stir shit up, the world needs it.

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