What does the rest of Spring have in store for us?
By Andrew Millman
One of Fordham University’s most hallowed traditions is Fordham students’ performative trashing of this very institution. We’ve all done it in some form or another, some people more than others. And, to be fair, the Jesuit University of New York© provides lots of ammunition for its students, who can often be quite creative about their critiques, due to those fine Jesuit values imparted by the Core Curriculum.
Campus dining is a daily horror show that tests the limits of what college student are willing to consume. Res life stands as a shining example of the banality of evil. Hannah Arendt couldn’t have imagined the cruelty that college administrators could inflict on unsuspecting students. But now let’s reflect, and take a look back on some of the better moments from the year.
Think about it, a lot has happened in Spring 2k19. Michael Cohen’s letter, the high-speed chase through campus, winning the Tinder swipe-off contest (eat your hearts out, Cornell), Barnyard BBQ finally opening, that guy who “declined” to be robbed, the apparent formation of a crackpot YDSA chapter (see Suresh’s article), a few snow days, and a bunch of other stuff, aside from regular debauchery. We also still have the Juice Wrld and Charli XCX concert, plus Spring Weekend (which would be much more enjoyable without Sean Kingston), to come. Also, not to forget our very own Brett and Bryttneigh began their illustrious careers as the paper’s advice columnists just a few short months ago.
Michael Cohen, Trump’s erstwhile goon, threatening Father McShane over keeping the Fordham attendee’s colleges grades secret was hilarious. Cohen’s letter to McShane read like it was written by a Sopranos character, but not a good one. Probably, Christopher. That supposed transcript that was circulating was fake, but it was most likely accurate.
“NYPD has apprehended all males at the RH campus,” read the best Public Safety notification I’ve ever received. I was in class for the duration of that infamous high-speed chase through campus. When we got the first notification, my professor locked the door to our classroom “just to be safe.” When the video came out, I watched that video too many times to count. The NYPD arrested a guy in front of Dirty South (my freshman-year dorm) while a tour group of prospective students and their parents watched. This video is Fordham’s equivalent of the Zapruder film, and for admissions, probably the most devastating.
A certain off-campus small-business proprietor (he’s really a mogul at this point, right?) finally opened Barnyard BBQ, Belmont residents’ newest reason to hate Fordham students. Regrettably, I was unable to attend its grand opening. The line was too long and we heard the cover was $15, so no-go for night-1. But Night-2, I got in for free (don’t ask me how, I don’t know), but I hope prices will come down once Barnyard recedes from its current pedestal into off-campus milieu. Executive Editor Gabby Curran said “it’s just like Goose, but bigger” (I was too lazy to do any actual reporting for this). The booths and bountiful space were highlights; the overpriced drinks and “sleaze-bags” migrating from Goose were not.
One thing that the Tinder U challenge brought to my attention was how many hardcore Juice Wrld fans there are at Fordham, particularly among the Gabelli bros. I really shouldn’t have been surprised. I enjoy Juice Wrld’s music, but he’s also really whiny and emo. Plus, let’s face it, his misogynistic undertons are actually pretty overt (see “All Girls Are the Same”). That seems to be an attraction and not a deterrent for many fuckboys.
To celebrate these historic occasions, we should reintroduce a live ram as our mascot. Back in the halcyon days of Fordham, the school had an actual ram on campus, from 1925 to 1978. The live mascots were discontinued because there were twenty-eight Ramses in fifty-three years. The average life-span of a Ramses was less than two years.
Several of these rams were kidnapped by rival colleges (back when we had teams that won the Sugar Bowl) and taken to the slaughterhouse. Another Ramses perished because he kept eating cigarettes and another was nicknamed “Fatty.” Ramses III was a “very aggressive animal,” who would attack passing trains and was executed by the Fordham Rifle Team (also, we had a fucking rifle team?!?!?). Perhaps the most tragic was Ramses XIX, who was kidnapped and dyed green by Manhattan College students while Fordham students attended Mass, which led to health complications and ultimately his death.
Now that Fordham is no longer a sports powerhouse, we should feel safe enough to bring back a live ram mascot.