Giving Advice to the Less Fortunate
the paper staff
Q: What’re your thoughts on Sean Kingston replacing Soulja Boy for Spring Weekend?
Brett: Free Soulja Boy! PC culture has gone too far this time. First they came for Louis CK and I said nothing because he’s not that funny. Then, they came for Roseanne Barr and again I said nothing because I did not know who that was. But this time, “cancel culture” has gone too far because now I’ll never hear “Pretty Boy Swag” live. Thanks to those commies at CAB (Communist Advocacy Bros). Personally, I think Sean Kingston framed Soulja just so he could take all the glory of being Fordham University’s Spring Weekend performer. Someone call Joe Rogan because this conspiracy theory needs to be told to a wider audience than this second-rate publication.
Bryttneigh: I had my first kiss to “Fire Burning” at my middle school dance. Sister Mary Catharine told us to “leave room for the Holy Spirit” while dancing, but Jeremy didn’t listen to that bitch. Which one of you boys want to be the new Jeremy at Spring Weekend? Please apply in my insta DMs (@its_bryttneigh), but please no thirsties. Anyways, I just know Sean’s going to bring out Justin Bieber for “Eenie Meenie.” They’re still friends, right?
Q: What’s your zodiac sign?
Brett: Zodiac? You mean that movie starring Tony Stark, but he was some lame journalist instead of Iron Man. Haha, I’m just kidding bro. I actually put in some effort this issue and google’d it. Apparently, I’m a Scorpio and that’s so accurate because no one really understands me. I’m very deep, bro. I downloaded this app co-star and it’s crazy how much they get me.
Bryttneigh: I’m a Leo, but you could probably already tell that. I have to be the center of attention all the time and fuck Bridgette for posting that picture of us that I was going to. She only got so many likes because I was in it anyways.
If you have any questions for Brett & Bryttneigh, email the paper at email@example.com