Satire in the sincerest form of flattery, right?
Whether referred to as the Spagelli School of Spaghetti, or the Bagelli School of Bagels, chances are you are probably familiar with Fordham’s Gabelli School of Business. Or maybe you are not (in which case you are probably better off). However, for those of you who are familiar with Gabelli, maybe even a Gabellian yourself, you still may stand to learn a few things from this exposé. I have undergone a covert investigation intended to uncover the true ins and outs of Fordham’s renowned business school. What I found will shock the laymen and perhaps even rattle the Gabellians.
The investigation began around this time last year, when I sat down with an incoming Freshman, John Fairchild. I wanted to see how someone could transform from a young, innocent high school lad into into a yuppy, peacoat wearing, AirPods using Gabellian in a matter of months. The discovery did not disappoint. Upon receiving his acceptance, John also got a few gifts. The first few were to be expected—a brand new pair of AirPods, and a Ralph Lauren peacoat. John was not surprised either. He said the gifts were guaranteed on Fordham’s website. However, what he received a few days later came as a surprise. After declaring his commitment to attending Fordham, the school sent him a brand new Rolex, along with a few strict instructions. The first was that if anyone asked where he got the Rolex, he must reply, “My dad got it for me as a graduation present.” Secondly, the lad could no longer be referred to as “John Fairchild.” If John was to attend Fordham’s Gabelli School of Business, he had to change his name to “Johnathan Fairchild IV.” With little misgiving from his parents, John consented to the terms and headed off to Fordham for the 2018 fall semester.
This interview was only the beginning. I decided to dig deeper by sending an operative into the field. For the sake of our investigator’s safety, she will remain anonymous. The first order of business was infiltrating Hughes Hall, Gabelli’s headquarters. Gaining access to the building was more difficult than I expected. Unlike scanning an ID to unlock the doors, common to most buildings on campus, Hughes required an extra step: students must scan their Rolex. This explained Jonathan’s gift. Luckily, I was able to borrow his watch, and get our operative inside the building.
Here is the description of what she found: “As soon as I walked into the building, I was in awe. The floor was marble, each tile inscribed with the names of alumni and their net worth. Among them were names like Bill Gates, Elon Musk, and Donald Trump. I then walked into the lounge area. You would not believe what I found. People were lined up giving orders to a personal chef, who cooked whatever they requested. The orders were then brought personally to the tables by waiters dressed in tuxedos. Even the cleaning staff were dressed in tuxedos. At one point, I had to use the restroom. Right by the bathroom entrance, there were two drinking fountains: one with filtered spring water, and another with La Croix on tap. Inside the bathroom was an attendant, also dressed in a tuxedo. He offered to screen my potential phone calls, and asked me if I needed any cash to get through the day. I politely declined. Instead of paper towels, the bathroom was stocked with philosophy readings to dry your hands. I then went to hang out for a minute in the lounge area, when I saw something really appalling. There was one guy there who everyone seemed to be eyeing. He was wearing jeans, Vans, and a hoodie. Seemed pretty normal looking to me. Then, he pulled out his phone and started listening to music with wired headphones. Not a minute later, these big secret service looking dudes came out of nowhere and told the guy he needed to leave. I didn’t want to risk blowing my cover so I got out of there as soon as possible.”
These findings exceeded our expectations by far. I knew, though, that the picture would be incomplete without some further field operation. According to popular belief, students on campus find their curriculum much more intense than the average Gabellian’s. “We call it the Bagelli School of Bagels because all they fucking do is ‘eat bagels,’” a Rose Hill student commented facetiously. Was this true? The description would certainly fit with that of Gabelli’s initiation process and headquarters, but I figured I owed it to the readers to discover the truth. Therefore, the final leg of our investigation consisted of the largest coordinated infiltration in the history of investigative journalism. I groomed twelve operatives over the course of one year and sent them deep undercover. Their task was to pose as Gabelli students, get acclimated into a cohort, and observe the classes. I knew the task was risky, with no guarantee of our field agents making it out alive. However what they found was certainly worth the risk. “The classes were a complete joke,” our chief operative declared. “First off, you go to the same classes with the same people, your cohort, and all they talk about is crazy, expensive trips they take around the world with their family, and how their dad promised them a Porsche if they get all A’s this semester. The classes they take are annoyingly simple: I literally took ‘Pyramid Schemes 1000’ and ‘Pre-Algebra.’ Shit was absurd.” Luckily, none of our operatives were seriously injured during the course of the investigation, though three were sucked into the materialistic lifestyle of Gabelli, and I have not heard from them sense. They were last seen at an internship on Wall Street.
So there you have it. The whole, complete, unadulterated truth. No longer may Gabellians operate in the shadows of society, plotting get rich quick schemes in their fancy building with their fancy suits and their fancy AirPods. A Jesuit education means much more than a bridge to getting rich; it means standing up against injustice and sticking it to the “man.” Don’t worry, there’s no way in hell any Gabitch picked up this article and read it up to this point. They don’t need to know what I’m talking about here. I will work in silence just like them. Take back what was stolen from you. Together, I can overthrow Gabelli’s hegemony and tear down the halls of Hughes. Help restore equality back to Fordham.