Giving advice to the less fortunate
by the paper staff
What are your plans for Valentine’s Day?
Brett: I’ve got options, man. Here’s my plan: I’m sending ram-grams to five girls as a surprise Thursday morning. Dude, it’s going to be so romantic. Then, those same five girls will be getting condom-grams that night [editor’s note: the paper does not condone harassment through ramblers or SAGES]. Six months ago, I reserved a table at White Castle and the hottest girl to respond will be getting that super-fucking-romantic night. I’m kinda on the DL right now, because I sprained my ankle going for a dunk in my intramural basketball game last week (dude, I was like so close to the rim). My bro Brent came up with the great idea to play the game drunk so we, the Jersey Boys (Brent, Brandon, Brendan, Brad, and Bradley, Brent, and me) finished off two Natty Daddy packs before our game. Do I regret it? Fuck no, bro. Now, I’ve got one of those sick scooters to get around campus.
Bryttneigh: I’m going through another rough patch with my manz Bryce because he wouldn’t let me model for his new merch line. He’s never posted a pic of me on insta and he has like 5k followers. He didn’t get me my fucking Cartier bracelet. I mean, we’re on a break, but I still deserve it. So, this Valentine’s Day is going to be a Galentine’s Day, thanks Leslie Knope! We’re going to get box-wine-drunk and play “thank u, next” on repeat. I’m bring some rando I matched with on Tinder yesterday. Then, I’m going to text Bryce “break up with your girlfriend, I’m bored.”
What’s your advice for finding a significant other?
Brett: You gotta go out, man. Those NARPs (Non-Athletic Regular Persons) who never go out, how do they expect to get with any girls? Right now, I’m thinking of giving up on 52 in 52, because I want to get serious with that one girl. I think her name was Brittney or something. We had some, like, serious eye contact at Mugz. Suits told me I should totally smash.
Bryttneigh: Well, Bryce has been my only SO and we don’t really have like a label or whatever. He keeps telling me he’s going to leave that bitch Brianna, but it’s been four years. My friends and family were really up my ass when I first got with Bryce, because he’s a “deadbeat” or whatever. He never went to college, but he bought a Tai Lopez package and learned everything he needs to know about business (eat your heart out, Gabelli boys). He’s alright, I guess. He’s like my Roy while I’m waiting for my Jim to come along.
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