Giving Advice to the Less Fortunate
by the paper staff
After the success of our Ask Bob & Judy advice column for the last two semesters, we were eager to have them return to continue giving advice to our lost generation. Unfortunately, both Bob & Judy went senile and are now living in a retirement community (life’s not all jokes, kids).
In their last moments of fluid thought, they recommended our new advice columnists, Brett and Bryttneigh, both current Fordham students who are committed to giving sound advice to the less fortunate among us here on campus. Brett is Bob & Judy’s nephew and Bryttneigh was their dog walker.
Q: Hey guys, can you tell us a bit about yourselves?
Brett: Gabelli ’21, future investment banker (add me on LinkedIn, ladies slide in). I’m also a landlord for an apartment complex in Belmont that my parents bought me to teach me responsibility. Bergen County born and bred. Stupid Jesuits don’t allow frats, but me and my bros are so close we made out (auto-correct’s a bitch) our own, super secret, Alpha Sigma Sigma (get it, bro?). Party at 592 E 183rd St., Friday night. Jungle juice on the house (for chicks, not dicks).
Bryttneigh: It’s Bryttneigh, bitch. Communications major and bartender at Goose (Simon’s like my dad, love him). I’m a junior, but still scared to walk down Fordham Road alone. I don’t go out on Halloween, because that’s gang initiation night. I take Metro North in a pack of at least a dozen girls, only for Bryant Park and the Sbarro in Times Square (I’m Italian). I’m from Long Island, but my favorite drink is strawberry lemonade svedka (four loko when I’m trying to save up). I’m basically Serena (from Gossip Girl, for the uniformed). I’m so quirky, right?
Q: What were your New Year’s Resolutions?
Brett: Yeah, I have a list. 1) Make Fordham Barstool, either a sloppy makeout or for being a bro. 2) I’m trying to quit the Juul. I think it’s affecting my testosterone levels. 3) 52 girls in 52 weeks, but I’m behind right now, only got 1 so far. Comeback season, boys. 4) Burger named after me at Ram’s (already got the name, Brett’s Burger). 5) D’s get degrees, if you’re a legacy.
Bryttneigh: I’m trying to find myself more. I’ve been doing face-masks, lush bath bombs, and Netflix. Wednesdays are wine night, ladies. I want to go to SoulCycle, but I’m scared. Self-care is important, guys. I just watched You on Netflix and I think it was like so amazing. I can’t even, basically Beck is everything I want to be. My 25-year-old boyfriend is an Instagram entrepreneur (he slid into my DMs four years ago). He’s totally a Joe. He’s like obsessed with me or whatever, but I can tell he really cares. Sometimes I think he’s kinda ugly, but he pays for Simon’s Deli, sometimes.
If you have any questions for Brett & Bryttneigh, email the paper at firstname.lastname@example.org or leave a comment below.