Next Year’s News Predictions

Fun headlines we think will appear in next year’s news

by the paper staff

January 2019:
*New Study Shows 80% of People Believe in Climate Change–Only 30% of People Care
*Jeff Bezos and Disney in Competition to Buy Everything Single Living and Non-Living Thing
*Nuclear Missiles Launched Into the Moon: War Ensues
*Elon Musk and Seth Rogen Invented New Strain of Weed: Weed Now Illegal in New York
*Dieters Lose Their Minds Avoiding Candy, Potato Chips, and Carbs

February 2019:
*Moon War Ends After Scientists Agree it is Cheese– Gouda Cheese
*Break-Up Anthem, “thank u, next” by Ariana Grande becomes National Anthem Following Millennial Revolution
*President of China Xi Jinping Bands Winnie Pooh Merchandise From Everywhere
*Conspiracist Alex Jones Proven Correct After Two Male Frogs Found Humping
*Meet Putin and Trump’s Love-Child, Donny Vladimir Putin-Trump–The Future is StarkMarch 2019:
*BREAKING: President Trump Has Been Found As a Stale Cheeto Puff in Oval Office
*BREAKING: President Trump Was Found Hiding Under Desk Pretending to Be Cheeto to Scare Liberals
*Pete Davidson Hospitalized After Big Dick Energy Runs Out
*Conservative Marine Biologists Argues Whales Are Not Filled With Plastic, But Evolving to Have Plastic Organs
*“thank u, next” Music Video Beats out “A Star is Born” for Oscar: Bradley Cooper Pees Himself on Stage (Again)

April 2019:
*BREAKING: Chester the Cheetah Sues President Trump Over Identity Theft
*Nickelback Has Top Billboard Song Shocking Nation
*Winnie the Pooh Riot Takes Place in China: 45 Stuffed Bears Injured
*Britain Sues EU For Making It Look Like a Good Idea to Leave It
*El Chapo Escapes Again, Where Did he Go?
*Rebecca Black Performs at Fordham Spring WeekendMay 2019
*BREAKING: Millennials Quit Running Nation to do More Important Things
*College Graduates Have Record Amounts of Student Debt: How Do They Deal?
*Bernie Sanders Says He is NOT Running for President in 2020
*Is Almond Milk Good For You? Nothing is Good For You
*Britain Tries to Leave EU and Then Begs to Stay: EU Rolls EyesJune 2019:
*BREAKING: Jeff Bezos has Trained Every Bee in the World to Serve as an Amazon Prime Delivery Drone
*Genetically Engineered Chocolate Milk Cows Now Exist; Prices Fall Dramatically
*Winnie the Pooh Named the Official Mascot of Beijing Olympic Games in Big Diplomatic Move
*International Custody Battle Over Donny Vladimir Putin-Trump: Who Will Get Holidays and Weekends?

July 2019:
*Multiple People Lose Appendages to Fireworks on the Fourth of July
*Avocado Market Plummets With New Fungus Affecting Trees
*Moon Proven to Not be Cheese; Scientists Wondering How This Happened
*Rep. John Delaney Ends Presidential Campaign after Realizing No One Cares
*Wii Sports Theme Song Becomes a Big Deal Again Because of College Paper Video
*Hangry Hippo Attacks Bird in Latest Viral Video– Hippos Don’t Eat Birds

August 2019
*Mike Pence Calls his Wife “Mother” during Speech; Everyone Uncomfortable
*Fortnight Dancing is Officially Banned From America’s Got Talent
*Kanye West Leads Protests in Opposition to the First Amendment
*BREAKING: Fordham Barman, Known as “Suits”, Announces Presidential Run
*BTS Collab with T-Pain: We Never Saw This ComingSeptember 2019
*“Gen Z Worse Than Millenials,” Said Old People Everywhere
*Father McShane Disappears For a Week in the Botanical Gardens and Reemerges Mysteriously Stronger
*Carbs Declared the New Protein by American Dietetics Society
*INVESTIGATION: Rachel Ray IS Becky With the Good Hair
*“El Chapo” Found Living under White House
*New York City Council Bans Electric Skateboards Because They are “Way Too Rad”

October 2019
*Breaking: Chad Kroger, Frontman of Nickelback, Wins Nobel Prize in Literature For His Hit Song “Every Time I Scream, Spaghetti Comes Out”
*European Union Sues Facebook For Major Privacy Breach
*Beyonce Announces Retirement from the Music Industry Because of BECKY
*Fordham University Adds “Studying The Blade” as a Major
*Surprising Absolutely No One, The Pamphlet Faces Backlash Over Racist Article
*“All I Want for Christmas is You” Tops Billboard Chart as Christmas Season Now Starts Before HalloweenNovember 2019
*Turkeys Officially Categorized An Endangered Species: Thanksgiving Canceled
*Elon Musk Departs for One Man Mission on Mars Because He’s a Stupid Fucking Idiot
*One Direction Announces Reunion Tour Just a Few Years After Breaking Up
*Stephen Colbert Steps Down From Tonight Show, Will be Replaced by Popular Twitch Streamer Ninja
*Nintendo Announces New Game System: Board Games. They Are Games Without Screens

December 2019:
*“A Christmas Prince: The Royal Coup D’etat” Becomes Netflix’s Most-Watched Original Movie Ever
*Elon Musk Realizes He is NOT on Mars but That Grimes Just Took Him to Arizona
*BREAKING: Elon Musk and Grimes Marry in Arizona Space Chapel
*Big Snow Storm Cancels Christmas and Rudolph is Too Congested to Function
*Christmas Uncancelled When Santa Revealed as a Myth


*Multiple People Lose Appendages to Fireworks on the Fourth of July
*Avocado Market Plummets With New Fungus Affecting Trees
*Moon Proven to Not be Cheese; Scientists Wondering How This Happened
*Rep. John Delaney Ends Presidential Campaign after Realizing No One Cares
*Wii Sports Theme Song Becomes a Big Deal Again Because of College Paper Video
*Hangry Hippo Attacks Bird in Latest Viral Video– Hippos Don’t Eat BirdsAugust 2019
*Mike Pence Calls his Wife “Mother” during Speech; Everyone Uncomfortable
*Fortnight Dancing is Officially Banned From America’s Got Talent
*Kanye West Leads Protests in Opposition to the First Amendment
*BREAKING: Fordham Barman, Known as “Suits”, Announces Presidential Run
*BTS Collab with T-Pain: We Never Saw This ComingSeptember 2019
*“Gen Z Worse Than Millenials,” Said Old People Everywhere
*Father McShane Disappears For a Week in the Botanical Gardens and Reemerges Mysteriously Stronger
*Carbs Declared the New Protein by American Dietetics Society
*INVESTIGATION: Rachel Ray IS Becky With the Good Hair
*“El Chapo” Found Living under White House
*New York City Council Bans Electric Skateboards Because They are “Way Too Rad”

October 2019
*Breaking: Chad Kroger, Frontman of Nickelback, Wins Nobel Prize in Literature For His Hit Song “Every Time I Scream, Spaghetti Comes Out”
*European Union Sues Facebook For Major Privacy Breach
*Beyonce Announces Retirement from the Music Industry Because of BECKY
*Fordham University Adds “Studying The Blade” as a Major
*Surprising Absolutely No One, The Pamphlet Faces Backlash Over Racist Article
*“All I Want for Christmas is You” Tops Billboard Chart as Christmas Season Now Starts Before Halloween

November 2019
*Turkeys Officially Categorized An Endangered Species: Thanksgiving Canceled
*Elon Musk Departs for One Man Mission on Mars Because He’s a Stupid Fucking Idiot
*One Direction Announces Reunion Tour Just a Few Years After Breaking Up
*Stephen Colbert Steps Down From Tonight Show, Will be Replaced by Popular Twitch Streamer Ninja
*Nintendo Announces New Game System: Board Games. They Are Games Without Screens

December 2019:
*“A Christmas Prince: The Royal Coup D’etat” Becomes Netflix’s Most-Watched Original Movie Ever
*Elon Musk Realizes He is NOT on Mars but That Grimes Just Took Him to Arizona
*BREAKING: Elon Musk and Grimes Marry in Arizona Space Chapel
*Big Snow Storm Cancels Christmas and Rudolph is Too Congested to Function
*Christmas Uncancelled When Santa Revealed as a Myth

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