The Clitoris Diaries and the Quest for Great Sex

What’s the best kind of sex? The results are in

by Anonymous Staff Nympho

I wish there was a right way to have sex—a perfect, works-every-time method for how to have the best sex of your life. A position? Type of partner? Emotional connection? There are so many articles claiming hook up sex is the best, but just as many saying relationship sex is the only way. I had to find out the truth.
This past summer, I orchestrated a kinky research project that experimented with every variable that defines sex: age, friendship, alcohol, protection, position, etc. I had been in long-term relationships for the past five or so years and only knew that deep, committed kind of sex, but there is so much more out there. I had never participated in hookup culture! Not exactly a bucket list staple, but it was an experience I craved before graduation. College is the only time in your life you’re surrounded by hot people your same age; you gotta take advantage.
I went out into the world in search of good dick, and boy did I find it. In order to document my odyssey, I started a video series for my eyes only entitled The Clitoris Diaries modeled after the Vagina Monologues. These *dun dun* are their stories:
The experiment began with enthusiasm but was off to a slow start. I went a week with no success, and eventually reached out to a friend of mine. I was very upfront about what I wanted which took him off guard, but I think it was a breath of fresh air compared to the mind games of Mugz. So, my first college hookup was with a guy who grew up a town over from me. Weird at first? Yes. But not weird enough considering we hooked up 10 times in 7 days. It was rough, emotionless, and borderline hate sex, but it got me hooked on hook-up culture.
It was invigorating, but I was still too hesitant to make a move on someone I didn’t know. When Saturday night rolled around, I was drunk and glittery and reached out to a friend to set me up on a blind hook up. (Looking back on it, I don’t know how I was ever ok with this but desperate times). Anyway, he set me up with a friend of his, and we had a great night! We met up sporadically for the next two weeks after that, too. Hooking up with someone you don’t know adds a whole new sensual nature to sex, not knowing what to expect from their hands or their words. The unpredictability makes every touch tingle with surprise, which only makes you want more. I got to know him through touch first, words after.
There were a couple people like this, where we became friends while hooking up and got to know each other through pillow talk. One guy told me about philosophy and music, another played me his own. One time we just did funny accents for half an hour! With each new partner, I came to the realization that I can’t have sex totally devoid of emotion. I didn’t need romance, but I needed the friendship. It was never just one night.
I only hooked up with one total stranger who I found on Tinder when I went home for a couple of days (I’m very efficient). We went on a date, hooked up, but then stayed up until 8am talking about everything from love to pasta to Ken Burns. And then did it again the next night. It was a perfect 48-hour bubble of straddling that line between hot sex and love—it got hard to tell the difference. Also, that was the first time I ever used lube and WOAH, game changer! Buy lube immediately.
Speaking of lube, we’ve come to the sexual mishaps section of this journey! Oddly enough, most of the mistakes and awkward moments happened to be with the same person, which SUCKED because he was the CUTEST ONE. I’m talking ripped condoms, loud queefs, sneezing in his face, broken bed parts, and accidentally leaving my granny panties at his apartment. I wanted to die. Scream, and then die. Thank goodness he has a sense of humor. Oddly enough, he was the only one where I’d walk home imagining it could be something more, something other than sex and pillow talk. He’s the kind of person you write poetry about when your mind wanders.
And then I had a pregnancy scare. Not a cute little one where your period is a day late, but a real one. A “who’s-the-dad-and-period-a-week-late” kind of bad one, and it destroyed me. I stayed up for 24 hours straight just staring at the wall and crying when I wasn’t dehydrated from crying hours before. I thought through every scenario, every possibility, and all I could do was lie on the bathroom floor and wait. Something primitive and instinctual changed inside me: I was suddenly not the most important person in my narrative. Two days later, I got my period.
After that experience, it was time to end the journey. I am currently in a relationship again, and it’s a whole different kind of adventure. It might be less exciting, but it’s meaningful, vulnerable, and makes me feel whole without ever having felt incomplete. There’s no one else I want to be with, ever really. I haven’t seen the whole spectrum of sex, but I’ve seen a good amount and I leave you with my findings:

1. Sex is funny! It’s gross and wet and nothing is ever perfect. The best moments are laughing at mistakes together and offering total honesty. Being goofy makes it easier to connect with the other person, which often leads to better sex 🙂
2. There is no perfect way. The only tip I have is to know what you want and what you’re comfortable with. There are SO MANY different ways to have a good time, which is way better than one perfect way.
Get out there, make friends, experiment.

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