Why you shouldn’t be an asshole to your sexual partners
by Anonymous Body Positivity Activist
When someone is attracted to you romantically, you would think that he/she/they would think you’re perfect in every way, shape, and form, right? Well, no. I certainly thought so, but I was in for a rude awakening. Really, it was super rude.
For a short time my sophomore year, I was seeing a senior. We met on Tinder and our relationship was for the most part, only sexual in nature. I was far more attracted to him than he was to me. I would often sneak off to his rather messy and tiny apartment randomly during the school day. For some weird reason, he was always free. Looking back as a senior now, I think is super strange because I never have a moment to breathe. One day when I was over at his apartment, this guy was acting rather strange towards me. He was very aloof and inconsiderate.
We were kissing and he leaned back. He asked me what I thought his favorite feature of mine was. I told him that my exes and past hookups were often a fan of my derriere. He scoffed in my face. He told me that his ex was a swimmer and had a far more rotund behind than mine and it was well, nicer. He proceeded to say these degrading comments while we were together that day. While we were in the act, he had the audacity to call me fat.
Yes, he called me fat.
I am 5’3 and I weigh 120 pounds. As most people do, I carry some weight on my hips and belly, but I like the way I look. Body confidence has never come easy to me. Bullying during my middle school years still haunt me. My chest developed earlier than some others. Two girls I thought were my friends came up to me at a friend’s birthday party and asked me what my bra size was in front of several boys. In high school, I did not eat real food for three weeks before prom. I weighed less than 100 pounds by the night of the dance. I still look in the mirror sometimes and hate the way I look.
This guy saying I was fat revived these horrible feelings. As I was leaving that afternoon, he asked me what was wrong. I said nothing and left. Sex is such an intimate act and, for me, allowing for someone to see me like that is extremely vulnerable. I am still affected by his words. It was just a reminder that I do not like the way I look sometimes. I let him see me in my most vulnerable state and he crushed my confidence.
My S.O. after him could never understand why I was so body conscious. He couldn’t conceive why I always chose the lowest calorie option, why I had to run and exercise constantly, or why I couldn’t stay at his parent’s house for dinner. I didn’t want to open up about my extreme appearance anxiety, but I had to. I told him everything: the middle school drama, the weeks of severe calorie deficits, the shitty senior. I let myself be vulnerable in a different way. He wrapped me in love and understanding, allowing for us to connect further. My last S.O. always complimented not just my body or beauty, but also my wit and personality. For the first time in a long time, I felt loved. He not only complimented my body, but also my inner beauty. He provided me with love and support that I so desperately needed. And although we are no longer together, he showed me that all of those people in the past are real jerks. I don’t have to spend time with people who make me feel horrible about any part of myself.
Why are we going to shame people for how they look, act, or identify? It is just cruel—especially when they allow themselves to be vulnerable. We need to love and uplift each other, and most importantly, never call anyone fat! We are all beautiful. Beauty standards are archaic and damaging. Yes, it is hard to not compare ourselves to pictures in magazines and movie, but if we hold ourselves accountable we can work to change how we see beauty. Again, it is hard to do, but making a conscious effort makes a difference.
I am far happier with my body today than when I was a lowly sophomore. I can’t believe that I ever listened to that guy, but I learned from the experience. And what happened to him? Well, let’s just say that when he texted me a few months ago saying he wanted to hang out, I told him I am not interested in spending time with people who make me feel bad about myself.