Being vocal with your sexual partners
by Olivia Langenberg
Features and Lists Editor
There you are, sprawled out on Mike from Finite Math’s twin bed. You never thought you’d get here. What began as an innocent invitation to study has become a hot and heavy sexual encounter. Mike is hot as hell, so let’s go full speed ahead. Plus, Mike insists he’s really good at giving head. Alright, let’s see what he’s got. Wait, no. That ain’t it. What the fuck is going on? Mike has no idea what he’s doing. What are you gonna do? Lay there and just wait it out? Pretend you’re into it? NO, you’re gonna show Mike who’s boss and tell him what to do.
Here’s the thing. Sex can be incredibly awesome, incredibly awful, or kind of just, eh. It’s super important to be transparent with your partner about what’s going on. If it isn’t working, say something! It’s a complete waste of your time to just lay there and stare at the ceiling while Mike fumbles around, thinking he’s an absolute boss. But, that being said, vocalize what is going well, too. If you’re into the way Mike is nibbling on your ear, let him know. Odds are, he’ll do that again in future encounters. So, if you let him know what he’s doing wrong, HOPEFULLY he won’t make the same mistake twice.
So let’s go back to the scene. Mike is there between your legs. Whatever he’s doing, it’s awful. Maybe he’s using too much teeth. Maybe he has no concept of the clitoris. Nonetheless, you’re a lifeless corpse in this situation. He thinks he’s doing a phenomenal job, and you aren’t feeling a goddamn thing. Here’s what you can do. Say, “Hey Mike, less teeth. Go a little slower.” Then, when he gets it right, give him the affirmation. “That’s it.” Sometimes you have to spell it out for your partner.
Know that you have a voice in your sexual encounters. It might seem a little uncomfortable to have to tell your partner that they’re not quite pleasing you, but it’s a far better alternative to having terrible sex. You should genuinely enjoy the experience, not fake it or think that’s the best you’re going to get. Sometimes there just isn’t chemistry there, and you can’t help that. But if you really have faith in Mike from Finite Math, you’ve gotta have these awkward conversations. Expect the same from him in return! “Hey Mike is this good?” Not to mention, silent sex is so fucking weird. If you can’t be vocal with your partner, maybe you’re not having sex with the right person.
I don’t want to shame people who have sex with many different people, though. You don’t have to be sleeping with the same person in order to still get what you want out of sex. If you want to have a one night stand with some girl from Tinder, there’s no reason you can’t tell her what’s good and what isn’t. If your main goal when hanging out with someone is to fuck, then cut to the chase and get what you want. “Hey Mariah, could you go a little faster? Harder?”
Writing this article is kind of a note to myself. The last sexual experience I had could have been largely improved if I would’ve opened my mouth and let the person know that I wasn’t having a great time. Instead of sadly staring out the window of my Uber on the way home, maybe I could’ve been texting all my friends letting them know how amazing the sex I just had was. Please do yourself a favor and talk things out with the person you’re hooking up with. Unpleasant sex? Not in my house.