A serious discussion
by Jack Archambault
If you are the type of person who believes in irrational things, you might believe that ghosts exist and that they haunt Fordham. Fordham’s ghost lore is well-documented, and the university is a staple in rankings of the most haunted college campuses. And if you believe in irrational things, there is good reason to believe that the school could be haunted. Any place that has been around for over 170 years inevitably has a ghostly mystique. Finlay Hall used to be a medical school, and those loft dorm rooms housed cadaver demonstrations. Scenes from The Exorcist were filmed in Keating Hall. The network of underground tunnels that connects multiple buildings on campus lends itself to tales of hauntings and secret ceremonies held in the Rose Hill underworld. While I do not believe Fordham is haunted, or that ghosts even exist, the legend of these tunnels piqued my interest. If I were ever going to find out whether or not Fordham is really haunted, the tunnels seemed like a good place to start. I never imagined that I was about to stumble upon a conspiracy that goes far beyond a few trivial hauntings and seeks to unravel the very foundation on which this university lies.
It was a cold, rainy Tuesday when I met Mr. Joe Rossi, operations manager of HVAC systems at Rose Hill, outside the allegedly haunted Finlay Hall. Mr. Rossi is a friendly, unassuming man; the last person you would expect to be harboring university secrets, and therefore the perfect man for the job. He led me down to the basement, where, once out of the rain, he explained to me that the tunnels are used for heating and electrical purposes. Seems innocuous enough, no? Then he opened the door. It opened upon a cramped, dimly lit hallway that led down about 30 feet before turning sharply to the left. As anyone would, I asked Mr. Rossi if I could go down to the corner and have a look at what was down the next hall. Permission denied. Citing a “confined area” and “insurance liability,” a man, who seconds earlier I believed to be on my side, instantly became my foe. I had to see what was down that tunnel. Joe Rossi, or as he shall henceforth be known, “Foe Rossi,” was the only person stopping me.
Now I had two choices: overpower Foe Rossi and make a break for the tunnel or accept that I would not be able to enter. Knowing that if I chose the former I would likely have to hide in the tunnels forever to avoid expulsion (and being relatively inexperienced in hand-to-hand combat), I chose the latter.
So now I’m left to stew in my thoughts. Ever since I was denied entry to the tunnels I’ve been going crazy trying to imagine what could be down there. Is it possible that Foe Rossi was telling the truth, and the tunnels serve a purely practical function? Yes. Is it also possible that he was lying, and whatever lies around that bend is a closely-guarded secret that could bring Fordham crashing down? I find this more likely. But what is it? What secret could be so awe-inspiring or horribly terrifying that Father McShane and Foe Rossi would have to hide it beneath the earth’s surface? I have had too many ideas to count, but what follows is a pared-down list of what I find to be the most plausible.
A secret dining room
Look, there has to be good food somewhere on this campus. I mean, we’re 0 for 5 (6 if you include Salt & Sesame) on dining locations, so it would make mathematical sense for there to be at least one good one. Of course, it couldn’t be somewhere students might actually find it and enjoy the delicious food. While we’re eating Adobo lime chicken salads from Cosi, Father McShane is beneath Keating, stuffing himself with roast mutton and braggot mead, still somehow courtesy of Aramark.
Basically, the Upside Down, but without the monsters and general creepiness. Everything here is ass-backwards. Students teach the classes, the football and basketball teams win games, and the paper reigns supreme over all of it!!
Speaking of football…
A good football team. Or basketball. The possibility that a different, better team is lying dormant in the tunnels is the only glimmer of hope any Fordham fan has at this point. In fact, they don’t even have to be good. They just have to not do this. Or this. Or this.
The Entrance to the Billion Surprise Toys Universe
Everything you need to know can be found here.
An Endless Supply of Father McShanes
Did you know that he is 69 years old? Now you do.
Because what’s one more at this point?
Some seriously messed-up shit
I don’t want to speculate too much, but it’s probably pretty bad. I mean, they really crossed the line this time. Whatever’s down there, it definitely isn’t cool or okay. Seriously, what were they thinking?
A Chamber of Secrets
This would have been created in 1974 by whichever trustee didn’t want the school to become coeducational.
A Ram Van secret level
I like the idea that Ram Van is really a Mario Kart-style game that we are all unwitting participants in. And, as a Ram Van driver, I can assure you that this is the case. I’m looking to defend my title on SNES Mosholu Parkway this week.
Finally, Fordham’s Westchester campus
I’ll believe this place exists when I see it. For now, I choose to believe that it’s directly beneath us.
So, there you have it. I’ve given my thoughts, what are yours? What do you think Fordham is hiding in the tunnels?