A football a day keeps the nerds away
By George Kite
Staff Cool Guy
God, I hate nerds.
Ever since the traumatic incident of when I accidentally went to a chess club meeting in the 7th grade, I have held a great hatred in my heart for what society deems nerds, or as I like to refer to them, evil incarnate. Such seething words of anger cannot explain how much I detest those glasses-wearing, electric-watch checking, academically concerned, “nerdy” t-shirt displaying vermin. Nerds threaten the very existence of civil society as we know it. Simple walks in the park are disrupted by nerds LARPing in the soccer field, childishly whacking each other with cardboard. Peaceful moments in class are interrupted by SOMEONE who just HAD to answer the teacher’s question. They pollute legitimate institutions like medical schools, engineering programs, and Luxembourg with their presence.
I went to Fordham University because I thought I could finally be safe from the countless nerds in my hometown. How wrong I was.
Late this August, I visited the club fair on Eddy’s, curious to see what social organizations existed at Fordham. But what did I see? Clubs like the gaming club. The literary clubs. An astronomy club. A chess club (I italicize this because the simple thought of a club like that makes me shudder). My eyes watered with dread as I saw numerous people line up to actually associate with these people.
As the fantasy of a nerd-free Fordham dissolved around me, I put my senses back into gear and realized that I had to find out where they were coming from. I saw a nerd leave the area and decided to track him down to find out his location of origin. After moving from tree to tree, I saw him enter a building that I would vow to erase from existence: Queen’s Court.
The freshman dorm known as Queen’s Court has been, from my scientific observation, the spawning ground of nerds at Fordham. Though all nerds do not live at Queen’s Court, they all initially come from there. I have only heard rumors of why such a place exists. Such things like spacious dorms, a supportive community, and RAs engaged with the residents lurk inside those halls.
But I ask you, students and faculty of Fordham, will you permit such a place to continue this vicious activity of supplying nerds to our beautiful campus? No, you say, because you of all people know that the future is in our hands. However, we must have plans to prevent the denizens of Queen’s Court from spreading throughout Fordham like a plague.
My first and foremost method of containing Queen’s Court would be a simple polaron-based level 5 force field. Knowing that the exterior of Queen’s Court contains no neutronium-based alloys whatsoever, the photonic energy should maintain a threshold of about 50%, provided there are no variances in the plasma module. In addition, giving the forcefield generator metaphasic tetryon emission outbursts of .00781 Cochrane’s should prevent subspace fluctuations from tampering with the multi-adaptive deflectors. If all fails, inverting the polarity of the force field should hold the nerds off temporarily.
Now, we must also assume the posture that force fields cannot always be reliable. That is why we must also take into mind that a multitude of 9th-level wizards may be needed. The first and foremost reason for wizards would be summoning a Prismatic Wall abjuration spell. Assuming this wizard has the proper metamagic feats, and hopefully a Tome of Clear Thought, this should not only create a physical barrier but also a magical barrier, considering it has a AC of 20. It cannot however create a planar barrier, so some kind of planar entity or deity would be needed to disrupt the planar cohesion of Queen’s Court. In addition, having Demiplane traps, Programmed Illusions, and Time Stop casted at Queen’s Court periodically will be enough to drain the nerds, granted their Will save modifier is low.
Finally, if all else fails, and nerds do escape from Queen’s Court, we would need to target their laptop computers in order to hinder their nerdy capabilities. Simple DDoS attacks would not suffice to disabling them, as they would certainly have retroactive cell-connection failsafes. No, we would need to brazenly hack past their firewalls into their computer’s mainframes. Initiating green code theta programs and binary distruports would ensure their software run time would lag behind ours. Ensuring that our hackers have accelerated net code will be the final nail in the coffin for those damn nerds.
So, members of Fordham University, what will you do to combat nerds?