Why All You Peeps Gotta Get Yourselves a Gourd

We’re gourd people now

by Ashley Chenery

Staff Gordon

Hello friendships. So, the Fall season has descended upon us (God bless amiright) AND DON’T THINK I’M NOT A FAN. But y’all know it ain’t officially Fall until you get yourself a sexy-ass gourd, so you best be gettin’ on that; that shit is necessary, let me tell you. I recommend hitting up a farm stand (or a supermarket if you don’t have the stand of the farm) cause the gourds are always rampant up in there. Once you’re there, you gotta find a gourd that’s way spicy, otherwise you’ll be bored out of your gourd when you’re givin’ it the ol’ eyeball every day. Personally, the viciously bumpy ones really get the job done for me, but you gotta figure out what satiates the appetites for you. There’s mad variety when it comes to gourds: ya got your thicc, squatty ones; your tall, skinny legends; your large and in charge ones; your spicy, small bois; etc. Gourds also come in like ALL the colors, which is way hot. Once you secure your gourd, you gotta give it a bangin’ name. My man Charlotte hit me with the intel that Gordon is a zesty gourd name, so do with that what you will. A few years ago, I had a gourd that resembled a goose (a goosey gourd, if you will) and I named it Gerald on account of that iconic sea lion from Finding Dory. It’s whatever you’re feelin’.

You can enjoy the presence of your gourd for the entire Fall season, since they usually don’t just up and walk away (even if you don’t tie ’em down). But ya know there comes a time when all gourds should be set free from this world; December 1st is the most appropriate date for this exodus. Personally, I enjoy myself a good gourd chuck. I threw Gerald out a third story window and that really got the job done for me. Plus, it gave me access to all of the gourd seeds. Thus, that shit supplied me with the abilities to cultivate MORE Geralds, which is mad satisfying let me tell you. Anyway, I hope y’all find yourselves some sexy-ass gourds! Also, have a spicy, spooky Halloween season!

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