Uh these matter?
by Destin Piagentini
Note: This article is completely satirical and all events/people mentioned in it should not be treated as fact or reality in any sense.
Ahhhhh yes. It’s that time of the year again. Do you see the leaves falling? Can you feel the crisp wind run through your hair? Can you hear the barista say “No, sorry, we’re all out of pumpkin spice today”? Are you flipping coins to determine whether you’ll be dying of sweat or freezing your ass off today? Well, for Fordham students the Fall means something else: the annual college preliminary rankings are out. Yes, that’s right! Fordham students now have one more problem to drink away at Mugz’s.
In a statement recently released by the university, it appears that Fordham has fallen in the U.S. News & World Report rankings. The university had this to say in the official statement: “Unbeknownst to us and other universities, the USN&WR has reevaluated their criteria, allowing a more favorable evaluation for public schools.” Our team here at the paper have been working tirelessly to translate this to “real people” talk, and, though it was hard, this was the best we could come up with: “It’s complete bull. This wasn’t on the syllabus. We’re so much better than the other schools. True beauty comes from campus landscaping.” The statement also pointed out other well-respected universities that fell victim to the USN&WR.
It’s always been a commitment of ours to bridge the gaps between student and faculty, so we reached out to some anonymous members of the student body and asked their opinions on the matter. One student commented that their “life is ruined” as their friend at Syracuse University would “never let [them] live this down.” Another student elaborated a little more: “It all seems so petty to me. It’s like a fifth grader bringing home a bad history test score for their parent to sign. Just because Boston College dropped too doesn’t make it okay. If Boston College jumped off a bridge, would you jump too? I’m not signing this.”
And though I’m sure this news may come as a massive shock to the entire student body, we must all, in this time of grief, heed the wise words of Franklin D. Roosevelt: “Holy shit, that actually worked?” Yes, my friends, whether you’re fighting on the beach of Normandy or fighting to stay awake in Theology 1000, it’s forever our ambition to be the change we want to see in the world. It’s time to band together and restore the name of our great university. So what if we saw declining scores in the Financial Resources category? Yeah, I may be crying, but I’m crying in the computer labs of JMH where the computers literally rise up from within the desks. To me, that’s a worthy trade.