“Celebrity is as Celebrity Does” ~Gilderoy Lockhart
by Jack Archambault
Here’s the situation: You’re an internationally famous wizard. You can’t remember the last time you had a pint in the Leaky Cauldron without getting hounded by admirers looking for an autograph or picture. At the Quidditch World Cup, you’re sitting in the minister’s box. And of course you’ve got enough gold in your Gringott’s vault to make Bellatrix Lestrange blush.
But as any celebrity knows, fame is a fickle friend. And the first thing that a famous person must do is form an entourage. Who is in your squad? Who are your ride-or-die homies? Who’s going to be sitting in that minister’s box with you, eating caviar while chatting with Cornelius Fudge and getting cozy with some veela? The question must be asked, then, what is the ideal wizarding world entourage?
To help me answer this question, I enlisted three celebrity witches, Molly Archambault (Order of Merlin, First Class), Kate Archambault (Holyhead Harpies chaser and two-time league MVP), and Sophie Archambault (Order of Merlin, Second Class), and we drafted our dream entourages. The serpentine draft consisted of 5 rounds, and the one rule was that only characters mentioned in the Harry Potter books were eligible. Here’s how it went down:
Kate: Hermione Granger
Sophie: Fred Weasley
Jack: Sirius Black
Molly: Albus Dumbledore
A solid first round, with every pick at least being justifiable. One could question Kate and Molly, as there is a chance that Hermione would be a bit of a buzzkill and Dumbledore would steal some of Molly’s shine by being more famous than she is. But if Kate is getting the Hermione that cold-cocked Malfoy, withstood torture, and sold Dolores Umbridge to a bunch of angry centaurs, this could end up being the pick of the draft. Ultimately, Hermione has proven her merits in a potential entourage by being the most indispensable member (sorry, Ron) of the greatest entourage/trio ever. As for Molly, it seems like Dumbledore’s shadow might be too large for her to escape from.
Sophie and I followed a similar line of thinking, opting for rowdy loose cannons who would immediately make any party they’re at 10 times more fun. You can’t tell me that you’re ever going to have a bad night out with Fred or Sirius in your crew. You just can’t.
Molly: Molly Weasley
Jack: Rubeus Hagrid
Sophie: Nymphadora Tonks
Kate: Ginny Weasley
Bonnie and Clyde. McGwire and Canseco. Ernie and Bert … Sirius and Hagrid. That is an untouchable combo atop any entourage. I don’t want to be accused of being biased in my draft analysis, but there is no denying the potential here. Sirius, a guy who did some hard time in Azkaban and can’t wait to cut loose. Hagrid, basically Andre the Giant if Andre the Giant could also do actual magic. My team is looking formidable.
Meanwhile, Molly and Kate went with a pair of Weasleys, both of whom are undeniable badasses and are very worthy members of a wizard entourage. Good picks.
But the real winner of this round was Sophie, who stole Tonks right out from under our noses. She is a Metamorphmagus, meaning she can change her appearance at will. She and Fred would be worthy competition for Sirius and Hagrid. She’s also an auror, making her Sophie’s de facto bodyguard. A great round for Sophie.
Kate: Bill Weasley
Sophie: Alastor ‘Mad-Eye’ Moody
Jack: Minerva McGonagall
Top to bottom, this was probably the best round of the draft. Kate’s took her second Weasley in a row, Sophie grabbed an auror and wild-card, I took a highly skilled witch and quidditch junkie who would help me place my bets and stay out of trouble when the goblins come to collect the gambling debt I will inevitably accrue, and Molly selected Dobby, which seems strange until you remember that Dobby can perform elf magic that wizards can’t. Top to bottom, a great round. I really can’t stress that enough. Top to bottom, bottom to top, just great all around and side to side.
Molly: Poppy Pomfrey
Jack: Kingsley Shacklebolt
Sophie: Luna Lovegood
Kate: Remus Lupin
This was the point in the draft when I started to wonder whether Molly even knew what was going on. While her other selections were a bit outside the box, they were all at least defensible. But Madam Pomfrey? The school nurse??? Her defense of this pick boiled down to wanting to have someone to heal her. That’s fine, and I have nothing against school nurses, but they make for a pretty lame member of an entourage.
This was also a big round for diversity, as I took of one of the five (not a typo, you can count them on one hand) explicitly stated black characters in the books, Kate took a werewolf, and Sophie took a real, live insane person.
Kate: Lily Potter
Sophie: Filius Flitwick
Jack: Newt Scamander
Uh oh, the dreamy-redhead-witch-who-loves-Harry corner is getting awfully crowded over there in Kate’s entourage. This is like the Redskins drafting Robert Griffin III in 2012 and then taking Kirk Cousins three rounds later. Ginny can’t be too happy with Kate’s demonstrated lack of faith in her ability to fill her role in the group, and I wouldn’t be at all surprised if she requests a trade in the coming days. Stay tuned.
As for my selection, before you say, “Wait! Newt isn’t in the Harry Potter books!” remember that he is mentioned as being the author of Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. Yes, it’s a technicality, but I know he and Hagrid are going to have some great chemistry as fellow magical creature enthusiasts.
And finally, before you get on Molly for taking a bird, just remember that Hedwig literally took a bullet for Harry. Loyalty, loyalty, loyalty.
Kate: Hermione Granger, Ginny Weasley, Bill Weasley, Remus Lupin, Lily Potter
Sophie: Fred Weasley, Nymphadora Tonks, Mad-Eye Moody, Luna Lovegood, Filius Flitwick
Jack: Sirius Black, Rubeus Hagrid, Minerva McGonagall, Kingsley Shacklebolt, Newt Scamander
Molly: Albus Dumbledore, Molly Weasley, Dobby, Poppy Pomfrey, Hedwig
Kate: This is a boom-or-bust entourage. If potential chemistry issues between Ginny and Lily can be avoided and if Lupin’s condition doesn’t become a problem, this entourage can go toe-to-toe with any. If fractures start to develop early, Kate needs to just take Hermione with her and run for the hills.
Sophie: This a great entourage. Fred, Tonks, and Mad-Eye make up a top three as good as you could ask for. The selections of Luna and Flitwick are a bit more unorthodox, but with such a stellar firsts three rounds, Sophie afforded herself the luxury of making a couple picks of passion. This is a crew I would like to roll with.
Jack: Face it, you would not want to mess with my entourage. You just wouldn’t. Hagrid is immune to most small curses and could take anyone is a bit of muggle duelling. McGonagall could turn you into a teapot, Kingsley is back there lurking, and Sirius and Newt are always up to no good. This is a fun group that wouldn’t take any guff. I like it.
Molly: This would be a great team if we were drafting knitting circles or book clubs. As an entourage? Well, I’ll let you be the judge.
So who had the best entourage? Who would be in your entourage? Vote for your favorite and be sure to select your own entourage in the comments below!