Yeah our horoscopes are back and worse than ever.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You’ll probably fail your finals because you suck. Oh wait? Yeah no, you still suck. Don’t bother studying
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
I would watch out for eggs. If you are taking a course on eggs, you better study egg-stra hard because that will be tough.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Someone said that you should have another margarita. They were wrong. You should not have another margarita, idiot. You’ll just end up on the floor again.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Who is that? It’s your professor. Did you not go to class at all this semester? I guess it doesn’t matter now, but don’t expect to ace it.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Okay, you are gonna have some bragging to do. You are really going to do well on your finals, but at what cost? Don’t sacrifice your well-being just for A’s. Do it for pizza too.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Get your head out of your books for like five minutes and listen to this: grilled cheese is really good. That’s all. Resume.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You are an idiot, but that doesn’t mean your professors won’t love your paper. It just means they’ll laugh really hard at it, you comedic genius.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 19)
If you have a final today, skip it. Wait no, don’t do that. That is literally the worst idea that the stars have ever had. Go to your damn final.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Reward a job well done with a slice of pasta pizza. You deserve it– all those hours in the lib “studying” when you were actually on your phone playing the Harry Potter game.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
What time is it? If you did not respond with the High School Musical 2 lyric, you will fail all of your finals and have to scoop manure this summer.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
I think just maybe, that bead of sweat T-Pain dropped on you is going to be good luck. You should probably buy a lotto ticket. Or a pony.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Well, here we are. I think that the stars are telling you to move on. Literally, drop all of that anger. It is time to do something new. Maybe try a new kind of cheese.