An In-Depth Analysis of Fifty Shades Freed: It Had to Be Done…

A lesson on love, life, and dairy-licking.

by Gabby Curran
Staff Lactose Intolerant

Last Saturday, I had the opportunity––nay, the privilege––to see the long-awaited finale of the Fifty Shades of Grey franchise. With Fifty Shades Freed finally adapted for and released on the silver screen, this trilogy of sin is complete at last. The film itself is nothing short of a masterpiece––awkward cinematography, agonizingly clumsy line delivery, and some of the most cringe-worthy writing I have personally ever witnessed make this movie among of the finest of its genre. All fifteen people in the movie theater I attended, especially the sixty-year-old man who kept shushing my friends and I, were on the edge of our seats, completely enthralled by the performances. But this delightful little film wasn’t merely entertaining. Were Sir Philip Sidney (God rest his soul) still with us, he would have been proud of Fifty Shades Freed’s ability to delight and to teach. Here is but a small list of life lessons, in no particular order, that I have picked up from the final installment of the timeless trilogy that is Fifty Shades of Grey.

– When you marry your significant other, you are obviously signing a contract that states that you will obey their every command. You are also apparently stating that you are now a possession that cannot be shared with anyone.
– You can never have too many houses. Do you, a married couple with no children, already own a luxurious multi-story apartment big enough to house a family of 10? Why not purchase another one, and completely revamp it to add more space while you’re at it? Pay no mind to the homeless people living down the street, though.
– If your wife refuses to change her email to reflect her new married name within a specific time frame, march over to her office and interrupt her busy schedule to berate her for it. How dare she not want everyone to know that she is yours and yours alone? This is definitely a big enough issue for you to need to talk to her in person about it, right then and there.
– The time to bring up having children is obviously after the wedding. There’s no need to address the topic and ruin your relationship too soon; save this conversation for after you’ve said your vows so you can blow up at each other when you realize you want completely different things out of life.
– If your husband employs any woman who is remotely attractive––especially if she’s an architect––she is obviously a threat and trying to bang him. Neutralize the thot as soon as possible. Trust? Who even needs that in a relationship anymore?
– Metal dildos are a thing. Yes, I was just as shocked as you are. And you too can own one for the low, low price of $52.25 on Amazon for a limited time only!
– If you think your lover is cheating on you, they’re probably just planning to propose to you, so don’t freak out! Having your man become completely closed off to you and spend a suspicious amount of time with a beautiful woman with big fake breasts doesn’t mean jack. Just make sure your fingers are properly manicured at all times––he could pop the question at any moment!
– Vanilla ice cream is an aphrodisiac. Having a little trouble getting things going in the bedroom? Have no fear––Ben & Jerry are here to help. Dripping it all over your lover’s bare chest and then licking it up with your tongue, disregarding the uncomfortable sticky residue it obviously leaves behind? Delicious. You’ll never look at frozen dairy the same way again.

– Despite having an entire trained security staff at your disposal and living in a presumably well-guarded property, you can still be held at knifepoint by an ex-prisoner who snuck into your house. Somehow.
– You are completely within your rights to dictate the way your wife lives her life, including hiring an entire security team to surround her at all times, and making her come home straight from work, no exceptions, not even if she is a grown ass woman. If she wanted to see her friends, she should have gone before her curfew.
– If your twenty-something-year-old wife disobeys your orders (how dare she!) it’s perfectly reasonable –– and encouraged! –– to torture her with a vibrator because you want her to feel what it’s like when she “frustrates you.” That’s what marriage is all about, right? Passive-aggressive retaliation?
– If you decide to own a gun for personal protection, be sure to store it in a safe and concealed place. This obviously means a random drawer in your office where a woman looking for scissors could easily discover it and pocket it later.
– If your wife gets pregnant despite the two of you having an inordinate amount of sex (how dare she), the appropriate response is to get angry, leave, come home drunk, and above all blame her for her current condition.
– Trying to disguise the third installment of a poorly-represented dom-sub relationship as an action flick? Just insert a random kidnapping scene centered around a character who was barely in the film. Also, be sure to include a crazily underwhelming car chase scene where the most exciting thing that happens is a car bypassing another, stationary car at a slightly faster speed than one would expect.
– With enough influence, privilege, wealth and power, you too can extract $5,000,000 in cash at the drop of a hat, no questions asked!
– Pregnant women cannot handle three punches without having to go to the hospital wearing an oxygen mask. Women are already helpless, fragile little flowers by nature (obviously) but with the added condition of pregnancy, they become tiny, delicate creatures that the smallest gust of wind could effortlessly knock over.
– If, perchance, someone should turn your romance into a kinky softcore porn film for lonely 40-year-old housewives too old for Twilight, make sure that the wife’s tits are prominent and in full view as much as possible while the husband’s dick is carefully concealed at all times. Now that’s what I call equality!
– If you think a guy is creepy, possessive, manipulative, and a stalker, just give it five months––you’ll find yourself married to him in no time (yes, the entire Fifty Shades trilogy allegedly takes place over the span of five months).
– If you are soft-spoken, sweet, even remotely attractive, and bland as can be, every man in your vicinity will inexplicably be charmed by and drawn to you. They will then proceed to either fall in love with you, or hate you and try to kill you.
– While reminiscing about the past failure that is your ““““BDSM”””” relationship, be sure that a sultry, upbeat Ellie Goulding song is playing in the background. That way, your liaison will look like it was an actual romance as opposed to the abusive, toxic and misogynistic piece of shit that it really was.
– And finally, $16.00 is a totally appropriate amount of money to pay to see poorly-written softcore porn, especially if you are a college student with little to no money to begin with.

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