Kylie Jenner? More like KyLIE Jenner cuz she always LYING
by Katelynn Browne and Cadila Vaz
On February 1, 2018, Kylie Jenner revealed that she had her firstborn child, Stormi Webster, announcing it via text image, followed by a 10-minute long video documenting her pregnancy journey. However, we at the paper still have our suspicions about this video, Kylie’s mysterious pregnancy, and the sole image of Kylie’s daughter (in which her face is not shown). We allege that Stomi Webster and Chicago West are the same baby, and that Kylie Jenner is 34 years old, not 20.
For those of you who do not keep up with the Kardashians, Kim Kardashian and her husband, Kanye West, decided to have their third child through surrogate due to Kim having some health complications. Kim Kardashian was outspoken about her health and openly stated that her doctor advised her not to carry a third child. Despite her sharing her current health situation caused by the effects of child bearing, she was not open about who her surrogate was, as the paparazzi could not nab a candid of this woman who was allegedly paid $75k to carry Kimye’s child. This in conjunction with Kylie Jenner’s absence from EVERYTHING, leads us still to believe that Kylie was Kim’s surrogate.
In Ms. Jenner’s video, “To Our Daughter,” which was posted to YouTube on February 4th, Kim Kardashian West introduces Kylie to her “niece” Chicago West. Several media outlets have called Kim selfish for introducing Chicago to the world during Kylie’s moment – but what if she wasn’t being selfish at all because it wasn’t just Kylie’s moment – it was Kim’s too, because Kylie delivered the Kimye baby. You might be thinking – how is it possible that Kim introduced Chicago to Kylie in this video? To which we have to say, think about how Kylie kept her pregnancy secret for 9 months. She continued to post pictures to her Instagram until Christmas. In a similar fashion, the video could have been edited so that the more recent footage of Chicago was put earlier in the video (when Kylie meets Chicago), and the older footage of “Stormi” was put at the end of the video in order to insinuate that they were separate children. That’s the magic of social media; you get to control what you post and when you post it, and these women are the Kweens of social media and breaking the Internet (of course with help from Momager Kris).
That being said, it is hard to believe that Kylie would really just be missing for 9 months of her own accord. This is a teenage girl who built her empire on social media – she’s the 8th most followed Instagram account in the world at 103 million followers, iconic for using SnapChat filters and posting Instagram stories. She went from showcasing her model body to just posting pictures of her Krusty Krab Face Cosmetics and sporadic pictures of her face. When you think about it realistically, Kylie is around the same age as many members of the Fordham community (I’m looking at you Father McShane), and I personally don’t see myself in a position to bear children at the moment. But Kylie is not like us plebs because she got them riche$. Many, many riche$. But one of the biggest dividing factors between us and Kween Kylie is that SHE DOESN’T GO TO SCHOOL.
You may be thinking “Well, of course, she doesn’t go to school – she was born into a rich multi-millionaire family, and has generated her own huge masses of wealth through her cosmetics and apparel brands.” Like, that specific thought is in your head, right now. However, what if we told you, that the reason that she doesn’t go to school is because she’s not 20, she’s 34. I mean, come on, look at her. Does she really look like a 20-year-old girl? Can you really imagine her walking amongst us? Walking into Mugz? Or Goose ? Or wherever the kids go these days?? She doesn’t look like that simply because she’s rich – she looks like that because she’s 34 years old.
Another reason why we believe that she is 34 years old, is because like how fucked would it be if your older 38-year-old step-sister was like “”Heyyyy could you like… have my baby for me ?””” and you’re actually 20 years old? That’s a no from me dawg.
Which brings us to our next point. This is why Kanye looks like the way he looks all the time. You ever just look at Kanye West and think… is he ok? Because that is my #1 question anytime I see a picture of Kanye and Kim together (and also that video of him and Donald Trump shortly after the election – the fuck was that??) And the reason I Believe that he is Not Okay is because he lowkey impregnated his sister-in-law. I mean, this is not really how surrogacy works…but like how else do you explain the look on Kanye’s face all the time? This is why you never see pictures of Kylie and Kanye together…The truth come out!!
In conclusion, Kylie is 34 years old, and she’s Kim’s surrogate. Chicago and Stormi are the same baby. Just you wait til the tabloids get wind of this. Honey, you got a big Stormi coming. The end. Love, Catdil and Katbro ❤