Tide Pods: Not Even Once
By Cadila Vaz
Staff Laundry Lady
Most people usually start a new year off by aiming to accomplish certain goals, like working out more, traveling the world, or actually staying on top of their homework assignments for once. These are all good natured, self improving goals to look forward to in the first weeks of the year. After all, a new year is a clean slate. Alas, now January is almost over and I’m already slacking off on my homework. In spite of that, I’m fine with bringing my old habits into the new year, because in the grand scheme of things, not doing your homework in a timely manner isn’t the worst thing. But you know what really should have been left in 2017? Tide Pod memes. Sure they were funny at first, but they quickly got out of hand and led to the birth of the Tide Pod Challenge.
If you’re unfamiliar, the last few weeks of 2017 sparked a fascination with “forbidden snacks,” colorful objects that are not meant to be consumed, but meant to serve their purpose, such as doing laudry (Tide Pods), enhancing your bath experience (Lush Bath Bombs), playing board games (D&D dice), or forming rocks (lava).
I love a good meme, and I honestly thought everything was going fine at first. Then I heard my local news channel talking about the dangers of something known as the Tide Pod Challenge. I hate my local news channel, so I try my best to tune out their newscasts, but this caught my attention. Normally the news only brings up old news, but this was my first time hearing of the Tide Pod Challenge, and if reading this article is your first time hearing of the Tide Pod Challenge, bless you.
Now it’d be nice to imagine that this is just a challenge to see who can wash more laundry with fewer Tide Pods. If that’s what you thought it was, I have sad news for you. In this challenge, kids aren’t trying to get their chores done faster, they’re actually attempting to eat Tide Pods. Yes, people are deliberately eating Tide Pods, despite warnings on the packaging and common sense. Surprisingly, putting a packet of chemicals in your mouth isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
Some have drawn the connection between the bright colors of Tide Pods and childhood snacks like Fruit Gushers. Being attracted to bright food is a natural instinct to differentiate between ripe and unripe foods. However, I don’t see the appeal of Tide Pods. They’re just blue and white or orange and white squares, Out of all the things you would try to eat, Tide Pods are lackluster. While I understand that Tide Pods must be fairly accessible (although I’ve never seen a Tide Pod in real life), it’d be cooler to try eating a nice warm bowl of lava, or munching on a bath bomb. Actually planning to eat a Tide Pod, filming the experience, and then uploading it to the Internet once you have flushed enough of the chemicals out of your mouth seems a bit extra.
I have some questions in regard to the Tide Pod Challenge: Why is it exclusively Tide Pods? Are there no other detergent capsules? Is this a PR stunt by Procter and Gamble? Are they working alongside the government to brainwash the youth and administer brain control technology with swiftness (cum celeriter for all my Latin homies)? Or is it a form of population control?
If you are genuinely considering consuming a Tide Pod, you might as well pour yourself a nice cool glass of Clorox Bleach.