Editor’s note: this article does not reflect the views of the paper
By Marty Gatto
Staff Feline Fanatic
Dogs are evil. Yes, dear sinner, they may deceive you with their looks. Yes! Dear sinner! They have pinch-able cheeks, they have fluff, they have the works. Evil. Just looking at the face of a Pomeranian fills me with visceral rage. For I, dear sinner, have not fallen victim to their works of deception— nay, I have discovered them. Though it has taken lots of thinking and lots of time to gather my evidence, I am finally able to, within my capabilities, aptly delineate the devil that is in the dog.
“Every animal that parts the hoof but is not cloven-footed or does not chew the cud is unclean to you. Everyone who touches them shall be unclean” Leviticus 11:26. Anyone know where that’s from? Uuuum, only a book you might have heard of called THE BIBLE! Dog’s hooves are split into not one, not two, not three, not four, but five divisions (four claws and one palm). Five: the same number of points in a pentagram. That doesn’t sound cloven-footed to me. And I’m sure they don’t chew the cud; just look at them—they eat kibbles and bits! Can dog-food be made into cud? I do not think so.
Furthermore, dogs, as Leviticus very astutely points out, are unclean. Not only are they unclean, but they also make you unclean. Upon touching a dog you are contaminated with their wretched stench. Whenever they get wet, it is proven, the sin seeps out. Additionally, dogs are wildcards. They’re unpredictable, mutinous rebels. One’s pet should be servile (like a good cat<3), not rebellious! With cats, you can orchestrate when and where they eat, when they play, and even where they void themselves. With dogs, however, it is not so simple. The average dog is inclined to, upon identifying the food of their master, beg. In doing so they invoke inter-species warfare. Additionally, the average dog has too much bite-force for its own good. They often chew and destroy items, such as shoes. And it is well known that dogs fetishize the shoe, much like the sinning man. The dog can very easily instigate play with any number of objects not intended for this activity and, in doing so, invokes more inter-species warfare. Primary out of these three grievances, though, is the gastrointestinal habits of the dog. They either demand to be lead to their fecal destination by the human, or simply release themselves upon one’s beautiful carpet. This, more than anything else, invokes inter-species warfare.
Finally, I must very briefly touch most importantly on the outrageous indulgences humans have granted themselves in regards to caving to the canine demon. First and foremost— clothes. Humans cover the dogs’ sin and grant the demon more luxury than it requires. They unwittingly cover the five divisions of their paws with one dog-shoe. And they hide the devil’s fur with luxurious dog-sweaters. They even pamper the dogs to the extent that they remove their sinful stench upon bathing, effectively destroying any mark of their evil. All this, dear sinner, is truly the sign of the devil.
These reasons are what I have found to be the evil on the other end of the leash. If we think dogs are so harmless now, why not unyoke them? The answer is because we are, deep down, afraid. We are afraid of what they are capable of. We are afraid of what they can do. This, dear sinner, is why I resign myself to the most conservative of cats or even, I must confess, fish of the most ostentatious colors.