Fordham’s Unknown History: Russian Marxists and Extinct Birds

Anonymous contributor tells all, including the bit with Gorbachev

By Anonymous

Staff Indiana Jones

As its students know, Fordham’s Rose Hill campus boasts a multitude of landmarks and significant locations. From the courtyard next to Queen’s Court where Lana Del Rey was said to have composed some of her most famous songs to the tunnels beneath Eddie’s Parade, there is a great deal of history to be found on our 85-acre share of the Bronx.

Unfortunately, many of these historical sites have gone unnoticed. Because of a lack of funding sometime in the 80s, Fordham was forced to de-fund its historical preservation efforts. Years of subsequent neglect have led the sites to ruin; some were bulldozed to make room for new buildings, while others simply withered away.

The loss of these sites is tragic. Dozens of marvelous statues, landmarks, and historical places that gave the students a fascination and respect for the history of Fordham have been swept away, lost to the inevitability of progress. It is highly disappointing to see students walk right past places where great monuments once stood, unaware of their existence.

Thankfully, Fordham kept detailed records on the construction and deconstruction of each of these sites. During my time as an intern at the prestigious Fordham Archaeological Finding and Searching Association, the institution responsible for the preservation of the sites while they still existed, I was able to uncover these once-proud places and their past glory. In fact, the only reason that I knew about these sites and was able to write this piece was that I had access to those records. For reasons beyond my knowledge, Fordham, in recent years, has taken extreme action to destroy these records and cover up the fact that certain historical landmarks on this campus ever existed. This is why I will remain anonymous; Fordham’s current political regime does not take kindly to leakers.

All fears of assassination aside, I am here to inform my readers about the forgotten history of Fordham’s Rose Hill campus. I do this with the hope that my readers will become more aware of their surroundings and the history that surrounds them. Let this be a re-birth, a Ramaissance, of the knowledge of our collective history and the important traditions that make us whole. We, the students, must be united in heart and mind in learning about our past and deciding what to do with our present. I now humbly present to you the first installation in a series of articles about Fordham’s unknown historical landmarks.

1) The Tomb of the Unknown Dodo

This grand memorial to a member of one of the most famous extinct species was located in the basement of the building now known as Duane Library. Interred within the magnificent grave was one of the last known Dodos to ever walk this cruel earth. Father Patches O’Hoolihan found this particular Dodo on the platform of the Fordham 4 train in the midst of the devastating 1968 cocaine storms. It was weak and malnourished, apparently due to a lack of water and an excess of cocaine. Sadly, despite all attempts to nurse this Dodo back to health, it passed away on January 16th, 1969. Because of its debilitated state, it was never able to tell any of the medical staff its name; according to Chief Surgeon Dr. Zong, the Dodo managed to muster a noise that “…was similar in frequency to a brain-melting gamma laser” and “forced [Dr. Zong] to come to terms with the fact that he didn’t love his wife anymore.” When Fordham’s administration announced the plans to raze the tomb and build a library on that space, the feeble and wheelchairbound Father O’Hoolihan protested. However, after leading a hunger strike to show resistance to the demolition of the tomb, the already weakened O’Hoolihan passed away, thus ending his resistance and allowing Fordham to continue with the construction. The entrance to the tomb was sealed off, and the remains of the Dodo were taken to an undisclosed location.

2) Trotsky’s Bathtub

It’s a little known fact that Russian Revolutionary Leon Trotsky, upon leaving Norway in 1937, stopped by New York City for a quick sightseeing tour before heading to Mexico. An even littler known fact is that Trotsky secretly stayed for a few nights on Fordham’s campus, smuggled in by Russian spies who had cleverly disguised themselves as Jesuit priests. Unbeknownst to Fordham, Trotsky was hidden in the basement of the Fordham Clandestine Operations Base, which also served as the “pleasure quarters” of Kim Jong-Un’s great great great grandfather. Because of his proximity to the luxurious lifestyle of Un’s ancestor, Trotsky was able to enjoy the full amenities of a proletarian establishment: mattresses made out of cotton from 100% collectivized farms, soap that smelled like class struggle, and, most importantly, bathtubs that filled with the blood of the bourgeoisie. Trotsky seemed to favor one bathtub in particular; he wrote in a letter to his comrades back in Russia that he “had a great affection for this one bathtub… and [he] couldn’t explain why.” When the pleasure quarters were discovered in 1954, Fordham destroyed everything except that bathtub, because a mysterious public safety officer known as M.G. successfully petitioned for its preservation. M.G. enshrined this bathtub on top of the Public Safety office, where it stood until 2006, when the Fordham Administration realized that the officer known as M.G. was actually Mikhail Gorbachev with a really good disguise (Jesuits were much easier to fool back then). Even though the bathtub is gone and all legal documentation of the event have been quarantined to the darkest depths of Fordham’s archives, Trotsky still lives on in the $1,000,000,000,000 water bill that Fordham is still paying back to this day.

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