New Semester, Same You: Horoscopes Week of 1/15

Syllabus week is going to be WILD. Well, maybe not; it’s cold.

Here’s a song to kick off your WILD week:

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
One of your professors is going to tell you to buy the textbook and…you won’t.  You may fail out of school and end up living with the squirrels on campus behind the McGinley center.  Please don’t end up like that annoying textbook commercial on Spotify.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Someone is going to trip you on your way to class.  It will in fact suck and you will eat a pile of gross snow.  Just brush your teeth afterwards and you should be good to go for the semester.  Make sure you take the leaves out of your teeth though.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

I think maybe you should consider investing in a new pair of jeans because on Thursday you are going to rip your favorite pair.  You may or may not get into a fight with that kid sitting next to you in class that messed with your best friend.  Hey, you’re loyal.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Wednesday morning may be rough for you for many reasons.  I think it will mostly be your raging hangover and your roommate’s music choices at 6 AM.  It may be time to get some noise cancelling headphones or better roommates.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Yes, it is time.  You are finally going to go to an open mic at Rod’s.  Just get up there and belt it out.  Please, please, please just tie your shoes.  If you don’t you may fall down, and then never get on a stage again.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Mugz’s is calling YOUR name.  Don’t go.  Like really, don’t go.  You are just going to try and pee off the curb and it will just like not be a good time.  Or you may try and steal the ram head on the wall.  I don’t think you’d be allowed back.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

I think it would be best if you just left.  Really.  I think it is time for you to just take a walk and stay away.  Someone is angry with you and that someone is not going to be willing to talk to you.  That someone is totally not me…just saying.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)
There’s too long to the weekend, man.  This week will be long.  You may have just come back from an adventure and school is just blah.  It’s cool just like eat a sweet potato, whole and raw.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Watch out for banana peels.  Enough said.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You left your headphones at home, or so the stars say.  I think you should treat yourself to a nice pair.  Just make sure you don’t leave them on the subway or in Subway.  That would suck for you and your wallet.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

For some reason your bladder is super weak and you’ll find yourself almost peeing yourself way too often.  It is good to hydrate, but you will totally have to wear an adult diaper.  It may become a trend.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 19)

You’re waiting for that green light…to cross the street.  It’ll come, just make sure you push the button.  Is this a metaphor for life? Maybe, but also maybe not.  It could be a literal green light on the street. Whatever.

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