Rise and Shine, Here’s Your 2018 Horoscope

Hey, the stars are talking to us again and they spilt some tea on your new year.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Your 2018 is going to be cool beans.  You will certainly follow your heart and finally realize that you really like Korean barbeque, but at the same time you may break the bank with your new dietary habit.

Our Suggestion: Take a tofu cooking class or get a job…idk pick your poison.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Are you growing your hair out this year? Cut it because someone is going to put gum in it.  Pretty sure this is a metaphor. Someone may be out for blood.  Just make nice and play it cool, but make sure you keep a hair tie around.  This could get a bit nasty.

Our Suggestion: Buy a cool hat.  Hats are in, right?

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
So Pisces, I hear you are trying to get that special someone to date you.  Well, it may happen.  You will follow your resolution to be yourself, but be wary.  Someone is also trying to be you.  This is getting a bit horror movie-ish.  Just uh, watch your back.

Our Suggestion: Don’t look in the closet.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Purple is the color of 2018.  You should resolve to wear purple.  I don’t care what your mom says, it looks great with your complexion.  You better stop wearing all black.  I mean, I can see the future and I know you won’t, but make an effort.

Our Suggestion: Buy a raspberry beret, the kind you’d find at a second-hand store. (I know it is not purple, but I tried okay?).

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
I know you resolved to follow Dua Lipa’s “New Rules” and you’re not.  Stop it.  Don’t pick up the phone, don’t let him in, don’t let him have any pie. YOU’VE GOT NEW RULES SO FOLLOW THEM.  I will come over and slap you in February if you don’t.

Our Suggestion: BLOCK HIM/ HER/ THEM.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Are you serious? Your resolution is to be a better you? Well, I can tell you that is pretty hecking generic.  I know you’ll drink more water this year so your skin will be glowing and beautiful.  Congrats!

Our Suggestion: Buy a nice, new water bottle and USE IT.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Your resolution is to not be a huge piece of shit! Wow! Too bad you are already failing at this. Maybe like, consider being a good person? I bet you can’t.  Is this too mean? Colleen, is this too harsh? Too bad.  The stars have spoken.

Our Suggestion: Eat a hot dog.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)
I don’t know Leo, you’re going to have a good year, but at what cost? You resolved to spend less money, but you can’t stop yourself.  Give me your wallet.  I am going to put it in a block of ice and hide it in my freezer.  And by freezer, I mean my heart. #boom #self-roast

Our Suggestion: Learn to how to cook chilli and then freeze some with your wallet.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Hi baby-cakes!  You have a lot of fun ahead of you!  I am so excited to see where you go! Your resolution to see it all will come true.  I am not sure what “it all” is.  It could just be a garbage dump, but hey, at least you’ve seen where all of our trash goes.

Our Suggestion: Buy some sunglasses, because everyone needs them.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Eating healthier is on your mind this year.  You will start by cutting out all of the sugars and fats out and you’ll do pretty good! And then, you’re going to remember your love for wine coolers.  Those hecking sugar-filled gems! They will be your demise.

Our Suggestion: Stick with sangria…there’s fruit in there.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Apparently, 2018 is in fact the year of the Scorpio.  Your enemies will cower and you will resolve to wreck the town.  Just make sure you don’t let too many bad boys buy you apple pie.  They know how you feel about pie.  Be careful out there, Scorpio!

Our Suggestion: Stay off Tinder or hit the gym for all that pie.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 19)
Yeah, so about that rabbit you think you’re getting…don’t do it.  It will eat all of your telephone cords and chargers and you’ll probably be in trouble.  I know you want to like animals more, but maybe, start with a fish.

Our Suggestion: Bunny-proof your home if you really want that furry pal.

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