And you people think I’m joking…
By Katelynn Browne
Staff Henry VIII
For as long as I can remember, Chris Christie has been governor of New Jersey. It feels to me as if he’s always been governor, no one before him, and no one after him. So recently, I asked people from New Jersey when his term was going to end – and oddly enough, no one I spoke to seemed to know the answer. So, naturally, I went to Google, and discovered, much to my horror, that Christie would be out of term this coming January, which I disagree with completely. I disagree so much so that I think Chris Christie should be emperor of New Jersey and New Jersey should secede from the Union, because who is better suited to run Jersey than him? Some people think just anyone can run New Jersey, yet I argue that Christie is best suited for the job, due to his innate qualities and special talents that make him the ideal candidate for emperorship.
Chris Christie would be well suited to be emperor for several reasons. First of all, he takes no one’s shit. He is infamous for yelling at reporters, time after time, for their stupid questions. A hilarious Vine shows several clips of Christie pieced together where he says “no off-topic questions; no; you have been stopped.” Here, his no-bullshit, sassy attitude is extremely apparent. In another video from 2012, he asks a reporter, exasperatedly, “Are you stupid??” (which CNN went to town with). This shows the aggressive side of Christie and that he doesn’t have time for stupid off-topic questions.
Secondly, Christie is one of the pettiest politicians I’ve ever heard of. Recall BridgeGate, back in 2013 – Chris Christie closed the George Washington Bridge the day school resumed from summer vacation during rush hour to spite the Democrat mayor of Fort Lee (the town you enter when you cross the GWB into Jersey) who didn’t vote for Christie in his reelection campaign. Or how about when he closed all of the beaches on the Jersey shore on Memorial Day due to a government shutdown he was partially responsible for and proceeded to enjoy Memorial Day weekend on the shore with his family? Classic. His pettiness mimics that of old European monarchs as well as my pettiness towards a girl who told me I had the wrong uniform socks in first grade which I never really got over (she was wrong). That’s some petty shit.
Although I am unqualified to speak on this, I feel Christie really reflects the New Jersey spirit – just the whole not caring, saying what’s on your mind, cut the crap kind of spirit, is really quite admirable. As the embodiment of this spirit, he would be ideal to rule the new nation-state of New New Jersey. His aggressive temperament would facilitate him in bossing people around to do what he wants for the betterment of the Jersey Empire, and his embodiment of the spirit would make him an icon of admiration and aspiration for the citizens of New New Jersey.
Now that Jersey has an emperor, it can secede from the Union. Jersey has a large enough population to be a country – it would be 2x the size of Ireland and have roughly the same population as Austria. New Jersey has a lot of great resources: it has about 720,000 acres of farmland and a 141 mile-long coast, making it optimal for trade and tourism. In addition, New Jersey, while its highways make no sense, does have a pretty good highway system and thus has a sophisticated internal communications network. It has tons of valuable infrastructure – a great public school system, hospitals, etc.
So my question to the people of New Jersey is: what are you waiting for? You can create your own nation-state in which Trump is not your president, and Chris Christie could be your emperor. Think about it.