Follow these kool rules for driving to skool (or anywhere really)
By Katelynn Browne
Staff Road Police
Every day, I commute 30 miles from Northern Westchester to get to Fordham. I used to be a patient person, but ever since I started driving to school, my patience for shitty drivers has been worn thin. Here are some rules I’d like to make members of the driving community aware of.
1.) Only use the left lane if you intend on driving fast. ONLY USE THE LEFT LANE IF YOU INTEND ON DRIVING FAST. Fast driving entails driving over the speed limit. Left lane driving entails driving at least ten miles an hour over the speed limit. If you are trying to text your friend about how late you’re going to be, get out of the left lane! If you are driving in the left lane under the speed limit despite there being ample room to merge into a lane that’s purpose is for slower driving, you are a terrible person. Driving below the speed limit in a passing lane is dangerous!!!!
2.) Taxis are illegal. Or at least the way they drive should be? I don’t know why but for some reason taxis are the worst drivers on this planet. Taxis drive as if they are above all laws. They typically enjoy driving in two lanes at once, making other drivers believe they are merging slowly into another lane but then, at the last second pull mostly back into the original lane, yet somehow managing to never fully commit to one lane, like that guy you like who won’t commit to a relationship because he “doesn’t like labels” making the situation especially stressful for all those involved. So until taxis can pass some sort of driving test because I don’t believe any taxi driver has ever taken a road test, they are illegal.
3.) Left lane discourse again, but anyone who drives over 80mph needs to calm down. And sorry to stereotype, but it’s always these men who feel the need to win some sort of race. Like my guy, we’re all out here trying to drive to work and school, not win the Taconic State Parkway NASCAR event. Chill! Quit weaving. Instead of weaving through cars and causing an accident, weave a basket or or a quilt or something.
4.) People who drive 30mph trying to merge onto a highway need to stop doing that. When you merge onto a highway, you should think of yourself as an airplane pilot trying to pick up enough speed to take off and fly. If you’re the pilot of your car, and you’re driving 30 and trying to merge onto a highway that’s speed limit is 55, your airplane is going to fall over the edge of the runway! Also the people behind you are also suffering because you won’t let them pick up speed. Please let us pick up speed so we can seamlessly transition from slower road to faster road. This has been a PSA.
5.) If you are driving behind someone, turn your brights off. This is incredibly distracting and it’s really hard on the eyes so please don’t do it. The only acceptable time to use your brights is when it’s pitch dark out and there are no other cars around. I like being able to see.
6.) Dear people in the Bronx, please stop honking at people for no reason other than that they’re pissing you off, especially when what’s pissing them off is someone not making a turn when it’s not safe to turn. I have been beeped so many times because I didn’t make a dangerous turn that would’ve resulted in a terrible accident! Like Sorry I’m not further inconveniencing you by getting into an accident that would cause you even more delay. Nothing irritates me more than a 3 minute long beep from someone where nothing about the situation we’re in can be fixed. It’s ridiculous. Chill.
7.) Finally, for my Westchester folks – please stop coming to a complete stop to make a turn. I’m not asking you to turn at a 90 degree angle at 50mph like please for the love of God do not slow to a stop to make a completely safe turn.
So these are my 7 theses about driving. I’d like to nail them to the door of every DMV in the state but that would take forever. Please drive better. Stay safe. And stay out of the left lane.