La Croix sucks and anyone who says differently just loves to burp
By Olivia Langenberg
Staff Water Purist
It’s my sophomore year move in day. I’m sweating. I’ve huffed and puffed my way down East Fordham Road far too many times, lugging all of my shit to my Walsh apartment. All I want is a nice cold beverage. One of my roommates has been moved in for a couple days, so I figure there’s gotta be something waiting for me in the fridge. Indeed, the fridge was stocked, but with the most disgusting wannabe drink of all time. That’s right, the bottom shelf of my fridge was littered with those stupid colorful cans of sparkling water, what I see as the unpopular, less attractive little sister of soda. No shade to my roommate here, but seeing a fridge full of La Croix after a long day of unpacking literally made me want to move back to Nebraska. I would’ve rather licked the sweat off my own back than drink a La Croix in that moment.
So where does my beef with La Croix come from? It’s simple, really. I remember being at a friend’s house when I was younger, where I was offered a La Croix for the first time. I can’t say my brain even had a concept of “sparkling water” at the time, so I said sure because it was in a can and I assumed it was soda. I cracked it open and took a sip, only to be bitterly disappointed. I will never forget the pain I felt as I choked it down, fake smiling at my friend who somehow was enjoying herself. I honestly don’t know if my taste buds have ever been more confused. It feels like you’re drinking water at first, but then the back of your mouth starts to tingle a little bit and all of the sudden you start thinking about anyone who has ever hurt you in life. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate carbonation in a beverage. That doesn’t mean I want it anywhere near my water. Literally what the hell? Who came up with this? I want answers.
I understand the concept of La Croix. Some people drink it because they want to stop drinking soda, and it mimics the carbonation factor. My problem is that I have never once craved soda because it’s carbonated. It’s overtly sugary and sweet in all the right ways, kinda like a drunk Gabelli boy in the basement of a house party. When I want a healthy dose of sugary syrup, I reach for a Diet Coke. It’s not because I want my mouth to tingle from the bubbles. My theory is that people who drink La Croix for carbonation love burping. So, yeah, drink sparkling water to stop drinking soda, but do not come near me with a La Croix burp brewing in your stomach.
It’s safe to say that La Croix will never pay me to promote them on my Instagram, but I have more self-respect than to disrespect my aesthetic that way. I don’t know who designed the La Croix cans, but I could never imagine more unflattering color combinations. Pastel shades of pink and orange do not go together and I can’t conceptualize who thought that was a good idea. Not only does La Croix taste awful, but it also is so visually unappealing that I couldn’t even trick myself into thinking it would be a refreshing drink if I tried. It looks like shit and it literally tastes like expired water. If you ever see me drinking a La Croix, know that I have truly hit rock bottom and I have reached an all-time peak of self-loathing.