Keep Your Freaking Opinions to Yourself, but That’s Just My Opinion

No one cares what you think, sorry to burst your bubble

Jack Archambault

Staff Hypocrite

I fully understand the irony of this article. Just last year I wrote an opinionated article about why honeydew melon is terrible. This article is in the opinions section. I have many opinions myself. Having opinions is an intrinsic part of human nature. Everyone has their opinions, and here is mine: keep them to your goddamn self.

There is nothing more self-centered than thinking that people care about what you have to say. Yes, I am speaking directly to every single person on Earth with a Twitter account. Nobody cares what you think about the weather today (we can all feel it), or a new videogame (nerds), or Star Wars (again, nerds). If you think that sports are stupid and meaningless, fine. Keep it to yourself, but just know that so are the Tony Awards. To anybody who has ranted about taxes or health care, unless you’re some kind of expert, which I can almost guarantee you’re not, I really don’t want to hear it. If you think that Zoolander was a bad movie, you are free to feel that way. Just stop acting like it’s peasant trash that could only satisfy a lower class of human. And if you think that Tom Brady stinks, well, that’s not fine and you’d better never let me hear you say another word against the golden boy ever again.

Some of the most annoying and unwanted of opinions come from people who think they do good in the world. To be more specific, I’m talking about people who do minor good in the world. I mean people who donate to charity and tell you about it. Or people who only eat vegetables and feel that they are warriors for the voiceless. You can do whatever you choose, but please, please, please don’t tell me that I should stop eating Chicken McNuggets, or that I should donate to a charity that helps piglets who are born with balls where their eyes should be (this actually happened). If it really just breaks your heart when you see these piglets who have testicles on their faces, that’s fine, but don’t ask me to feel the same way. You know who actually did good and made a meaningful impact on people’s lives? Mother Teresa. And nobody ever saw her bragging about it.

Another type of opinion that has no place in my perfect world is the useless opinion. This is an opinion that someone holds about something so minute and insignificant that the opinion itself is more disruptive than the actual object of that opinion. For example, if you have a strong opinion about peanut M&Ms, that is a useless opinion. If you have a hot take on types of pens, that is a useless opinion. These opinions may appear harmless at first glance, but don’t let that fool you! Useless opinions are a slippery slope that are often employed strategically to see how much of someone’s opinions another person can take. So next time you are talking to someone and they tell you that they think candy corn is underrated, run for the hills. It is only a matter of time before you are listening to their views on immigration and abortion.

None of this is to say that nobody should have an opinion about anything, or that we shouldn’t offer up our opinions as part of a meaningful dialogue to understand all sides of an issue. However, when you find yourself about to tell someone about how much you hate country music, or that baseball is a lame sport, just don’t say anything. But that’s just my opinion.

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