Hey Hurricanes, Stop Being Such Dicks! You’re the Worst!

Pro-tip: prepare your paper fans to battle God’s fury

by Chris DiMieri

Staff Meteorologist

On August 25th, 2017 Hurricane Harvey made landfall in Texas as a category 4 storm. The destruction that it caused was horrific, and it solidified itself as one of the worst storms Texas has ever seen. We are used to hurricanes, we are Americans who constantly battle Mother Nature’s fury, but we always survive and get past them.

Here is a popular, or maybe not so popular–depending who you ask–opinion that I would like to talk about. Hurricanes are just straight up assholes. Sure, meteorologists like to observe them, and seeing a category 5 like Hurricane Irma is a spectacular event, but nobody likes them. Have you ever heard of anyone wanting to stay behind just to watch their home and belongings get destroyed by heavy winds and flooding? No.

Hurricanes are just inconsiderate. If a person forced you to leave your home and just walked right through your front door and destroyed everything you have, how would you feel? First off, that’s illegal, but second, it’s just being a fucking dick.

This year, hurricane season has really shown its true face. We first had Harvey, the classic douche who thought he could just walk right into America’s invite only gathering. That’s not all he does though; he’s the type to just straight up invite his friends to crash it with him. Then we have the jock who wants to fight everyone: Irma. Yes, please come and attack the sacred place of Disney World. Thank you Irma; we’re glad to have you. This is exactly what we wanted.

With this season’s recent lineup, you might ask yourself: how do we stop hurricanes? Many people have thought about different ways of how to counter them. Some ideas have been to vape a cloud that counters the hurricane or to shoot at the storm with guns. The real way to counter a hurricane (which is common knowledge) is to just point house fans at it. Even if you do not have a house fan, you could just make a paper fan that everyone made in the third grade, and then run outside and battle God’s fury.

With the subject of hurricanes, another topic arises. What about tornados? Well, tornados are the pledges to the hurricanes fraternities. These are typically the grunts who full-on run into a house and tear stuff down. Nobody likes these guys at all- just like hurricanes- but at least people respect hurricanes. Harvey definitely “rushed” when it touched down considering the number of tornadoes that tore up Texas. Sigma Alpha Harvey truly was a force that got our attention, and is now dealing with our criticism.

Hopefully this season ends soon so we can move on to the next set of disasters, whether that’s political, social, or maybe even another Miley Cyrus-like celebrity meltdown.

For everyone out there affected by the storms, I just want you to know we’re here for you. the paper at Fordham University will fight tooth and nail to expose how much of a scumbag a hurricane is. To people not affected, but freaked out by the recent storms, just know we’re in the Bronx, and that stuff does not happen up here.

Truthfully, I’m a fan of blizzards and snowstorms so I cannot critique those and will not slander them. Throughout my life, as a New Yorker, the most I have had to do is shovel my driveway and deck, not buy a new furniture because of water damage from a flood. Can we really complain? Maybe that’s why Sinatra loved this place so much, we don’t get assaulted by category 5 dickheads.  

Editors Note: If you would like to help those affected by these hurricanes, please consider donating to www.nvoad.org where you can specify your donation location.

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