I’m sorry, the stars don’t speak in iambic pentameter so, I won’t either.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Alas, this moon shall not treat thee well.  Someone has beshrewed thee for stealing their forks this past fortnight.  I do not knowst if thou did unrightfully take from that yogurt monster, but thou better make amends.

Shakespeare Play: Macbeth

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Dost thou know it is almost thy birthday moon? Thou better knowst.  I would buy some new apparel because something may befall your closet this week.  Treat thyself to something that tickles your fashion pickle.

Shakespeare Play: Merry Wives of Windsor

Leo (July 23 – August 22)
I pray that thee will wash thy visage because that makeup is…toxic.  Why art thou wearing makeup from Shakespeare’s time? Just because this is a Shakespeare themed horoscope doesn’t mean you have to get that into it.  Diva.

Shakespeare Play: Romeo and Juliet

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Ho, thou art a saucy, young, hog! I cannot believe thy words.  That hurt.  The stars shall spite thee this week.  Watch out! A lightening bolt may strike thee dead in a tree if thou art not careful.

Shakespeare Play: Othello

Libra (September 23 – October 22)
It is not thy party.  Really, we gets it.  Thou art a flaming ball of well…flame, but thee should not urinate in the host’s plastic plants.  That is quite rude, my pal!  Take a class on how to behave or thou art is a stock-fish.

Shakespeare Play: Timon of Athens

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Thou must find a sport to keepest thee busy.  No, not like, athletic sports.  Like, sports in Shakespeare means something to entertain thee.  Yes, I know athletics suck, but the stars, they are speaking to me about this, okay?

Shakespeare Play: Hamlet

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 19)
Just let me know, I’ll be outst thy door.  If thou wants that.  I mean, don’t throw anyone out of thy life this moon.  They may love thou! They may think of thee as their rising sun and they are the East, or whatever. IDK, that didn’t end well for them.

Shakespeare Play: Taming of the Shrew

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Birds are incredible creatures, dost thou thinks so? Methinks so.  Hark! There will be a loud one outside thy window every morning this week.  Don’t kill it or a bad omen will reveal itself and thy week willst suck.

Shakespeare Play: Richard III

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Dost thou knowst that thou art visiting a waxing studio on Wednesday? Thou art getting a bum wax.  That may hurt, so uh yeah.  Be careful with that venture.  I knowst too much about thee now.

Shakespeare Play: Julius Caesar

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Take thy time, the world is ever turning.  Well, it is not, but I am being poetic for thee.  Don’t be stressed with internships and work right now.  Sit back, relax and worry about it another morrow.

Shakespeare Play: Twelfth Night

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Guaranteed thou will blow their minds.  Thou art a hot pocket of flower seeds! Zounds! That is something.  Let that lad or lass purchase thee a hot water drink or something because it could lead somewhere amazing.

Shakespeare Play: Richard I

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Thou art a plague sore and a boil.  Suck it.  I still can’t stand thee.  Go punch a rock made of something hard.  Thou art a sucky bum! Cut thy locks also! Bye bitch! Yes, the stars said that! Yikes…..

Shakespeare Play: King Lear