I’m Hot, You’re Cold: Horoscopes Week of 5/22


Please tell me you got the Jonas Brothers reference….

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Yay! Happy birthday moon! You will have a great week.  On Tuesday, you will run into Miley Cyrus on the street.  IDK how you feel about that, but maybe like, think of it as an omen that you will be changing your tone just like she changed her’s with “Malibu.”

Jonas Brothers Song: “BB Good”

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Read a book this week.  You need to broaden your horizons a bit because we could all open our minds a bit.  Maybe read Not That Kind of Girl by Lena Dunham or The Confessions of Saint Augustine.  Both are fun beach reads, you pick what sounds best.

Jonas Brothers Song: “Keep it Real”

Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Joe Jonas is a Leo you lucky duck.  He is the most beautiful man alive, and you are not #sad.  Go to Sephora and pick up some makeup because you deserve it, also, you are an ugly lucky duck so…deal with that.

Jonas Brothers Song: “Burnin’ Up”

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Eat a hot dog tomorrow.  Make it a tofu dog if you are feeling ambitious.  I am telling you to do this because the stars think you should.  I personally don’t think you should because why, but do it or something bad may happen.

Jonas Brothers Song: “When You Look Me in the Eyes”

Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Want to learn to dance? DON’T!  You will twist your ankle if you try anytime after Thursday.  You should sit out at any weddings or bar mitzvahs you plan on going to.  You will end up in the ER.  Be careful out there, Champ.

Jonas Brothers Song: “Fly With Me”

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Have you fallen in love recently? Yeah, you won’t fall in love anytime soon either.  It is ok.  You will be alone forever! It’s cool, you will meet a new pal this week so that should soften the blow on the fact that you will in fact die alone with your cats.

Jonas Brothers Song: “S.O.S.”

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 19)
Is someone feeling a little naughty? Oh wait, the stars are saying knotty.  I think someone will tie all of your shoes together as a prank that was not meant for you.  It was meant for some guy named Jack McFeifer.  Oh shit.  Watch out for that, man.

Jonas Brothers Song: “Play My Music”

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Watch your favorite movie tomorrow night.  All of your friends are going to hang out without you so you’ll be hella bored.  Maybe try and crash? Nah, just grab some ice cream and popcorn and sit back and watch Mulan II.

Jonas Brothers Song: “That’s Just the Way We Roll”

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Wow, this week is going to suck! It is going to rain on your parade everyday! I am so sorry! I hate to do this to you but this is what the stars are saying.  Maybe read a different horoscope and see what that says.  Pick the one that works for you.

Jonas Brothers Song: “Hold On”

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
If a man offers to take you to the future, don’t go.  You will only see how ugly your future S.O. is and you’ll wonder where your glasses went.  Do they have a sparkling personality? Nope, they do not! They suck a lot of eggs.

Jonas Brothers Song: “Year 3000”

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Ugh, this sucks for you.  Someone is going to bring a huge check to your front door but get this, you will not be home. 😦 I am sad for you.  Maybe don’t leave your home for the next week and just hope you do not miss out.

Jonas Brothers Song: “Sorry”

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
I hate you and I personally hope you fall down a ditch on Wednesday, but the stars are saying you’ll have a good week.  They suck sometimes.  You may also win the lotto?! WTF!? I am super angry; I am going to go talk to them right now….

Jonas Brothers Song: “Video Girl”

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