HAGS! That means “have a great summer.” You should know that.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
I will not miss you! Have a great summer? Nah, have a gooey, gruesome, geese-filled summer. Your summer will suck more than you do. Bye, bitch.
Summer Job: Literally, getting the f*** out of my life. I will pay you to.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
It is almost your birthday moon! Yay! You will have a *~fun~* one this year, honey. Be sure to eat some honey also. Just don’t eat too much bees are dying at an alarming rate.
Summer Job: Bee Keeper
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
If you are traveling by boat, bus, plane, car, train, water taxi, sky tram, or segway in the next week, don’t. You will be struck by lightening.
Summer Job: X-ray Technician’s Assistant
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Happy summer, Leo! You probably are in a summer blockbuster or trying to save the environment with your beauty. Oh wait, you’re not Leonardo DiCaprio….
Summer Job: Leonardo DiCaprio Tribute Band
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
This week you are probably going to find a dollar on the sidewalk. Do not touch it because it is attached to a fishing line. You will look like a loser.
Summer Job: Hot Dog Vendor
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Is it spring? Yes, but it doesn’t exactly feel like it. Don’t try to put on your winter shit though. It’s not that cold and winter is NOT coming!
Summer Job: Candle Maker
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will be faced with some difficult decision Tuesday. It may just be where you should eat for dinner. That is difficult. Don’t underestimate your power; you’re a Scorpio!
Summer Job: Head Bitch In Charge
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 19)
Learn something new today! Like, how to tie your shoes! That is fun and new and exciting! Also, you should know how to do that.
Summer Job: Footlocker Employee
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Someone may try to break your nose. Or kill a bee. Or both. Probably both. You should try and beat them up. Defend your family’s honor!
Summer Job: Bird
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
I am just going to tell you to go eat dumplings. Text your annual dumpling date. She will go with you. This horoscope was not at a very specific individual friend of mine….
Summer Job: Dump King
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Stop listening to Harry Styles’ new album. It isn’t healthy to obsess. Please diversify your playlist homie. You don’t want to get sick of him.
Summer Job: Radio Personality substitute
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Ugh, this is my last horoscope. I do not want to write it. SO, I WILL NOT WRITE IT HA. Sorry Aries, you deserve better. You aren’t a Taurus so you def do.
Summer Job: Fordham Ram